Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Brett Favre has joined Twitter. I'll be giving him a little time to figure things out before I click on any of his Twitpics.

   Hope the boss learns not to call people in on Saturday afternoon with no advance notice. Half the department is drunk! This should go well.

   Wondering why MTV hasn't done "15 and Slutty" yet. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.

   Put blue Gatorade in a empty bottle of Windex and walk around the street squirting it into your mouth! Fun times.

   This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is 'funny and spontaneous', yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming.

   will be sponsoring a 0.25 mile fun run to raise awareness for people that I wish would just GO AWAY! I'm calling it the Kardashian Dash!

   dyslexic people are weird. they pray to a dog

   Attention, guys wearing "skinny Jeans", you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way

   Hungry or Horny? Either way, satisfy your appetite!

   If the government is gonna focus on cloning, they need to be cloning 1970 gas prices. If the government is gonna focus on cloning, they need to be cloning 1970 gas prices

   The only good part about reuniting with an ex is that having sex with them doesn't change the number of people you've slept with.

   Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you'd follow them straight into hell, to get the fix

   What is it about waking up that babies find so traumatic?

   News Reporter: "So what inspired you to work with Chris Brown?" Rihanna: "Beats me..."

   My wife was shocked when she found out I switched her vibrator with a taser.

   Last night my dog said to me, "I think you're smoking too much Marijuana"

   I feel bad for those inner city kids that are too fat to dance their way out of the hood

   You ever get so coked up you dislocate both your shoulders dancing to "Pump Up the Jam"...Oh, me either.

   Last night I was trying to get this hot girl at the bar jealous. I was slow dancing & making out with a potted plant. It was working, she was staring at me

   New Kids On The Block & Backstreet Boys joining forces in refusing to be forgotten and languish in the dustbin of history.