Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I pissed a taxi driver off today. I told him to reverse all the way to my house. He had to pay me $8.20

   Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.

   Dogs are truly mans best friend. If you dont believe me, lock your wife/girlfriend and dog in the trunk of your car. After a few hours go back and open it. Which of them is glad to see you?

   Dear girls who apply for a job at hooters. Do they hand you a bra and say fill this out?

   It's almost guaranteed that every Saturday and Sunday I ask my friends, "Did I do anything stupid last night?"

   Girls love shoes... so if she throws one at you, you know she's really pissed off.

   I can't remember the last time I heard a dial tone.

   Why even hit on chicks this weekend? I've already been fuc$ed once this week by gas prices.

   I hope Snooki doesn't have problems while giving birth, otherwise the Dr. will be saying "Uh oh, looks like we're having a little Situation"

   I hate it when websites ask me, "Are you a human?" It's like, no, I'm a freakin' unicorn.

   Common sense is like deodorant... The people who need it most never use it.

   My shower only has two options: 3rd degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica.

   Did you know that the word "suns" upside down is still "suns"? Mind = BLOWN

   It would be much appreciated if "emotionally damaged" was a relationship status, it would save me SO MUCH TIME AND MONEY!

   To all of you women that get offended by men looking at your chests, just turn around, we like looking at butts too...

   Seriously? If I denied your friend request a month ago chances are we're not going to be fb friends with this request either

   I really don't get interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much, by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?

   Wondering why MTV hasn't done "15 and Slutty" yet... it would air just before "Teen mom".. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.

   I have a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.

   I'll probably never love anything as much as this sweet old lady sitting next to me at the Blackjack table loves her next cigarette.