Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude you made your girlfriend a sandwich."

   Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

   better to be slapped by the truth than kissed with a lie

   Tattoos are not trashy, the people who wear them can be though...

   personal security/ bodyguard is just a paid stalker

   Fuzzy navel is supposed to describe a drink, not your dates belly

   X-Box Kinect - Just one more thing people in wheelchairs can't enjoy.

   I've just been diagnosed with a tumor. I was horrified at first, but it's starting to grow on me.

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was messed up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   "We Found Love in a Swollen Face" by Rihanna ft. Chris Brown

   I've just wrote a song about crabs. It's really catchy.

   What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have herpes? Your dentist telling you that you have herpes.

   Telling someone, “Good Luck in your future endeavors” is just a polite way of telling saying, "Go f--c--k yourself."

   My old Grandad's motto in life was "What you can't see, won't hurt you." He died of radiation poisoning.

   The number two cause of death among teenagers in America today are guns. The number one cause of death? Not having a gun.

   Rihanna's IQ is 117. Can you beat that? Chris Brown can!

   I refuse to go bungee jumping. I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I don't want to leave it the same way.

   My uncle reads the obituaries every day. He can never get over the fact that people always seem to die in alphabetical order.

   If a fat girl falls in the woods, do the trees laugh?

   Surprised to hear Chris Brown had released a single ft. Justin Bieber. I thought Chris was legally obliged to stay 100ft away from women