Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.

   Remember, over half of all cases of people wrecking themselves happen within five minutes of not checking themselves.

   When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I'd like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you're right"

   today is national "Repeat Game" Day...you can start with your boss :)

   You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

   saw a vegetarian eating a banana. I asked her how would she like it if her skin was ripped off and she was eaten alive.

   A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

   Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie

   Its the love of money thats the root of all evil you retard get your facts straight..

   Besides me & Bryan Adams who else remembers the summer of 69 ?

   its not easy talkin to someone with a zit thats about to blow

   my speedo disappeared under my belly, I look naked....decisions, decisions, either stop swimmin or diet..yeah, no swimming this yr

   just set my alarm for 2013, this year already sucks

   money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around

   not sure I trust my Dr. he seems ok..except for his big red porous gin blossum nose.

   motocross boots...check, full face helmet...check, padded gloves and pants....check, Ginormous Big Wheel..check!

   wearing a bicycle helmet when driving tends to cause gaper delays.

   Stoners make better...uh..wait...nah.....slower..yeah...stoners make slower lovers

   Apparently, the answer to WWJD is ……hire Peyton Manning.

   just because I peed my pants doesnt mean I was scared...it just means I sneezed real hard just before you 'tried' to scare me