Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having a back-up plan means your main plan sucks!

   As a driver, I hate pedestrians... as a pedestrian, I hate cars... WTF I'm walking here!

   Sometimes it's better to react with no reaction.

   Has anyone ever tried to lead Sarah Jessica Parker to water?

   I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around.

   There is going to be no easy way to tell my GF that I'm leaving her. Mainly as she's deaf and I don't know sign language.

   will be hunting for caterpillars so I can skin them and make me a nice striped furry coat

   GUY: Babe, let's go to the zoo! GIRL: Sorry but I'm not ready to meet your family.

   You do look pretty. At night. Behind a wall. With a bag on top of your head. To a Blind Person. If they turned around. Just maybe.

   Don't worry guys, you can't die from loneliness. You can spontaneously combust from being too horny, however.

   I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.

   When people ask me "Plz" because it's shorter than "Please" I tell them "No" because it's shorter than "Yes."

   Want to know how awesome my day was? I heard two REO Speedwagon songs today. In their entirety. I can't fight this feeling anymore.

   I notice one thing in common with almost all the detective shows...shallow grave...c'mon people ..if you werent so lazy, you wouldnt be in prison..

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   I saw a sign at the coffee shop today 'experienced bakers needed, inquire within' .....my dream come true. 420

   I can't believe my girlfriend called me a two-timer....That's a lie! I've cheated on her hundreds of times.

   Women like wrapping paper because it's like clothing for gifts. And you know how women be liking clothing and gifts

   Why haven't we invented a bowl made of meat? Without it, the gravy on my salad just seems weird.

   I bet globes hate google map's guts