Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a girl ignoring you? Just ignore her ignoring you. Works every time.

   BEST PICK UP LINE: I wasn't looking at your boobs, I was staring into your heart...no, I lied , your boobs are awesome.

   Best Christian pick up line " I was reading the book of numbers and then I realized I did not have yours "

   One day, I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am.

   Some girls are like a phone call from a private caller... you can pick it up, but chances are they just want money.

   so happy spring is finaly here.....i got so excited I nearly wet my plants!!!!!

   Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?

   Has anyone seen my jacket? It's white with huge sleeves that make you hug yourself with a cute belt.

   Any time you hear someone say, "Bless his heart, but" you know the next thing out of their mouth will be negative.ive.

   If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.

   Why don't chickens wear underwear? 'cause their peckers on their head!

   Come on PEOPLE!!! Romney DOES not use an Etch-A-Sketch... He "thinks" it's a computer.

   Facebook is like the fridge...you go and open the fridge for something to eat, nothing looks good. Then five minutes later go back hoping somethings changed...

   When my chatty mom trails me around the store, I fill my cart with condoms, KY, duct tape, rubber gloves, and tequila, singing "Whip It".

   "Undecided Voters" are the same people who also slow down the line at McDonald's.

   I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   Good news is,, I got the giraffe to fit in the catapult.. Now who wants to light it on fire?

   I know it's warm outside and spring is in the air BUT if you haven't worked out this winter, please don't dress like it. I see ladies walking around with half shirts looking like half opened cans of biscuits.

   A Hitler 'stache aint cool bro, esp when its just your nose hairs

   Do you know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy. =======>