Funny Status Messages
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What's up with Melissa Gilbert's prison tattoos? 
I'm so full of Love I poot out Heart shape bubbles...<3 <3 <3 <3
Be advised, if you read a status from me pertaining to driving, that I have safely pulled the vehicle safely off the road to update said status. Why? Because dying on the job wasn't in the contract. That is all
Kind of shocked more professional fisherman aren't driving metal flaked vehicles as well.
I'm at the stage in my life where I answer the door for deliveries in boxers b/c nothing matters anymore.
I guess "kick the bucket" will be the last think on my bucket list.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
You get in the biggest fights with the people you care about the most, because they are the relationships you're willing to fight for.
It is amazing how many problems you can solve by ignoring them.
I'm really starting to get concerned about the lack of seatbelt use on the bangbus..
Did anyone ever consider Dr. Suess on some serious drugs when he wrote those books? A 6ft. Tall cat with a 2ft. Tall hat. I mean c'mon!
Boobs are like the sun. Ok to look, but dangerous to stare. But that's what sunglasses are for.
The one person you would take a bullet for is usually the one behind the gun.
My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. So I have to sit when I pee now.
3 reasons why I'm single… Can't date food, can't date celebs, and I can't date the internet.
I don't care how old you are, When you see a balloon about to hit the floor, you dive too stop that sh*t.
Why do we use our blankets as shields at night? Like is the monster gonna be like ” oh crap…..they have a blanket..RRRUUUUNNN!!!!”
treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag!
And now I must perform the nightly ritual where I use "floss" to purify my gums of their excess blood
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry. 