Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shout Out to the first person to post a Youtube video on Facebook.... Happy now?

   I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.

   If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur!

   You look cute...in a National Geographic way.

   What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera?.............Phil Ming

   My mate has absolutey no luck with women. Even when he calls one of those premium rate chat lines they tell him he has the wrong number.

   I threatened a man with a knife today. Don't know why, he could have stabbed me.

   My girlfriend said I was her 32nd lover. I was fine with this until I realized she was talking about time...

   Two-words. Not Divorce, instead...Pre-Nuptial, it's an agreement. So is Marriage. And marriages don't last. No Fault.

   Attention All Mom: if you have a son from the ages of (6 to 12).. Just randomly ask him..."If 30 ninjas broke in here right now what would you do??" Trust me it will make his day...

   Dear Zombies, I'm ready for you because planning for your attack beats applying for jobs. Sincerely, Can Zombie Slayer Go On A Resume?

   Went to see the Hunger Games thinking it was a free-style attack all you can eat buffet. It was a movie. Very disappointed.

   It doesnt matter if I die a heros or natural death, my friends and relatives at my funeral will ask "so how much bloody alcohol was it?"

   Disappointed the ATM didn't shoot out a burst of confetti to congratulate me for having enough to pull out twenty bucks.

   You're not a real man until you've loved a woman who does a little dance before she pushes out a fart.

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"

   I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine.

   My friend complained that the place she's housesitting didn't have a corkscrew, but I found it in .02 seconds, for I...am a Booze Whisperer.

   A study has shown that 1/3 men in Maine suffer from erectile dysfunction. But looking at 1/3 women in Maine I'm not f*cking surprised.

   Every time I get drunk I end up doing something stupid. My girlfriend for instance...