Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't mean to seem culturally insensitive but I'm not buying Chris Brown's story that he's one-eighth Slapaho Indian.

   Quick, how can you unmeet someone?

   A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.

   Doing the Chipotle cleanse.

   I'm glad we can't smell each other through the internet.

   Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.

   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning.

   The new Ipad gets all hot and bothered in your lap...Ladies- take notes:)

   The only "B" word you should call a women is beautiful. B*tches love to be called beautiful

   She wants to share a Facebook account? Run.

   I called out my wife's name during sex and she walked in to see what I needed. Won't do that again.

   TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.

   I'm sooo tired I spent all night reenacting scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen

   Want people to not mess with you? Put blue Gatorade in a Windex bottle and walk down the street drinking it.

   Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little to seriously.

   The new Def Leppard Rock Band game is such a rip off. It only came with one drum stick.

   I think someone used my toothbrush to scrub the toilet because my toilet tastes like toothpaste

   Pull up to the gas pump,,tanks on the wrong side.. Did a u-ie,,Tanks still on the wrong side... I quietly got back in my car and left.

   Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.

   When a random stranger offers you drugs on the street say thank you because drugs are expensive