Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The ABC's to a good marriage: Air conditioning, Beer, Could you shut up for a Damn minute so I can Enjoy my Good High quality Imported Jeggermiester and Kill L33t Moronic Noob Opponents Playing Quick call of duty Rounds.

   I'm gon' do it, gon' do it Gon' do it, do it, do it

   resting his pimphand

   Meteorologists said that the sun's unusual solar flare activity would have no impact on us...yet I have experienced an unusually high number of erections today!......coincidence?...i think Not!!!!

   Helping my oldest with History homework is a blast.....Underground railroad??? honey we call that a "Subway"

   Newt Gingrich wins Georgia. To be fair, it was a pie-eating contest.

   I think I've got Bieber Fever. Wait, wait, no, it's Ebola. What a relief!

   нαρρу ωσмєиѕ ∂αу тσ υѕ gяσωи вєαυтιfυℓ ωσмєи!!! :D ♡

   Lol ......Prescription drugs are killing everybody not street drugs wake up people

   Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's enjoyable, most of the time it's hard, but mostly your just happy it keeps going.

   The New ipad (3) These aren't the Droids your looking for..!

   Am I REALLY the only person who thought that the national anthem's opening line was "Jose can youuu see!"  up until last year? Seriously?!!

   I dont get it, no one complains when Madonna and Angelina Jolie steal black kids from africa.

   Women, your future is bright... Once you perfect driving we will have something else to celebrate... Too bad it's never going to happen!

   The iPad 3 can s@ck my d!ck! No, really, they just announced that as a feature!

   Today I'm announcing that I still can't afford the first iPad.

   Today marks the 98th celebration of International Womens Day... It only took them 240+ years to perfect the sandwich from when it was invented.

   Dropped my wallet today & a homeless guy chased me down to give it back. I was so moved I took out all of my money & gave him a free wallet.

   To all the women around the world...Happy International Women's Day!

   stuffing a hula hoop in a cereal box so my kids have memories of cool prizes like me