Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a good chance you don't like me. But an even better chance I don't care.

   Whenever you're feeling down, remember, you're the sperm that won.

   5 words that scare the hell out of me in horror movies, "Based on a true story."

   So on a scale from Ramen noodles to bisquits and gravy , How high are you ?

   Deleting your facebook is like running away from home. `You`re just doing it for attention and you'll be back in an hour`.

   Naked pic's of George Clooney.....crap this isn't Google

   It might just be me but every time I say synonym I have to stop myself from to say Cinnamon.

   never on schedule...and always LATE!

   Lying through your teeth doesn't count as flossing

   In my hay day all I did was sneeze.

   What's up with helmet babies? Let your kid have a funny shaped head. God loves all His children, even the pear-headed ones.

   watching hard core pawn is like watching when animals attack. If this is what people in Detroit acts like we may need to put a border fence around it and just pay Canada to take it.

   It's very hard to read someone's body language when they are running away from you.

   One time when I was 8 years old, a bear wearing a hat came up to me in the woods and told me ONLY I could prevent forest fires. Why he chose me, I will never know.

   just got robbed at the gas station.. police came down and said "do you know who robbed you"? I replied "yes.. pump number 6"

   If I were married to her, I'd be on Americas Most Wanted in 24 hrs.

   Are "The Hunger Games" scored by calorie intake? If so, I would kick ass at that game

   When I die, I have made my husband promise to update my FB status with “Who knew they had Wi-Fi down here?!?”

   Tigers knee seem okay today only because he's leading.

   It's all fun and games until someone spills bong water on the last slice of pizza!