Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Elmers didnt recommend eating paste...why the minty flavor?...huh?

   In retrospect, I may have spent a little too much time huffing rubber cement in elementary school

   Who cares, no one flys with Air Canada anyway!

   Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley.

   that awkword moment when someone accepts your friend request that you didnt mean to send. You only went to their page to stalk.

   Why is it I cant get a mobile reception in my house in town, yet a terrorist can upload his vids from a cave in Afganistan? Is there a terrorist mobile tariff I can go on??

   Science puts men on the moon. GOVERNMENTS fly planes into buildings. Religion has nothing to do with it except tricking people into thinking it was religion.

   Class reunions are pointless now. Because of Facebook I see all you f*ckers everyday.

   Look, kids. I think we can learn a valuable lesson from Whitney Houston's unfortunate passing. When snorting coke, wear a life jacket.

   My phone didn't get a ring all day. . Then I forgot I had it in lebron mode

   This may be a little late, Michael, but I think the world can now agree that Billie Jean was not your lover and the kid was not your son.

   "Get off your high horse!" - Veterinarian who prescribed medical marijuana.

   Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a women asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ

   If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the Gas Station.

   Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power

   I'm sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

   UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming.

   Next time a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up

   The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It's dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!

   It's not you, it's me. I just don't like myself when I'm around you.