Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.

   What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and sh!t?

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :(

   I think Hotel California was written about Facebook.

   Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?

   Tiger Woods's win last weekend is a great reminder that sex addiction only affects your golf game for 923 days.

   Their truck said "on site drug screening"..... those A$$holes wouldn't let me screen a single drug..

   I don't know alot about history,,, but I know Marco Polo was definitely the most annoying swimmer of all the famous explorers.

   The memories of all the naughty things I've done in my lifetime will always bring a smile to my face.

   Ba careful darling, you've got something on your ass… my eyes.

   Saw a real ugly-faced, pimpled girl buying a rape whistle today. You gotta admire her optimism!

   When I get old and my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals; stand over the caskets and whisper "you should have forwarded that e-mail to 12 friends..."

   Twitter is where you find a hit man. Facebook, an alibi.

   Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.

   FYI: No, I'm not feeling violent.... I'm feeling creative with weapons

   I feel so threaten by the news anchors....Now that they all starting to where Hoodies to report the news.

   wheres my money trick : (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ *flips table*

   Battered women sounds taste, but it's just a bad idea.

   If you ignore a problem and it goes away, was it ever really a problem ?

   To be or not to be? What a silly question Hamlet... Just let it be,, let it be... J. Macartney