Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls, just because you're on your period doesn't mean your timeline needs to be too.

   My dad used to beat me with a camera. I still get flash backs.

   Dude, she just called you a Mexican... Oh hell no, hold my taco.

   Women with 50 pairs of $500 shoes but no 5-year plan will never be sexy.

   First Rule of Business: Stay the hell out of mine!

   The 4 most popular words after sh!tty sex: “I cheated for this?”

   I'll rather slip and fall in sh!t than fall in love with you!

   I wish the string on my weedeater had a Hollywood clip.

   When a fat person writes, "LMFAO"... I see "Laughing My FAT Ass Off"

   My Jewish friend said I used a word out of context but I hate arguing Semitics.

   The guy in the toilet stall at the mall sounds like he might need a spotter.!!

   I betshe gives great helmet.

   My son informed me that he does NOT lie. He simply creates fiction with his mouth from time to time.

   Dudes be talking that "I fear nothing but god" b.s but let a loose pitbull start running down the street.

   I FINALLY GET THE END of the 6TH SENSE - those names are the people who worked on the film!!!!!

   My wife elizabeth wants me to take her out tonite to take her mind of her anorexia . . . . . I'm taking her to see thin lizzy

   My wife wanted to talk to me about my constant immaturity, but she couldn't. She still doesn't know the password to my secret fort.

   My wife said earlier "Your p*nis reminds me of my old super soaker water gun."I said "Why, because its big, powerful and your favourite toy?""No" she replied."Because 6 or 7 pumps and it's all done."

   thinking...as the solar storm hits Earth, let's all sing a chorus of "Baby, It's Geomagnetically Charged Outside"

   i feel bad that Snooki's baby has gotten laid before I did *forever a virgin*