Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Karma, There seems to be a serious issue with your records keeping software. Please work on that... and I expect a full refund.

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. It goes a lot faster when you get close to the end.

   With the larger amount of stupid people I get to deal with on a daily basis, I thought lobotomies came back in style .

   Gone are the days that girls cooked like their mothers, because these days they drink like their fathers

   I have inside jokes with complete strangers....

   Some people are worth holding on to. Some people are worth letting go. Most people are just a waste of space.

   The best things to laugh at are the things deep down we know we shouldn't be........ 

   Snooki sugned a deal to sell her own perfume. I'm totally gonna buy it because I want to smell like Jager and illiteracy.

   Success is 'high fiving' the blinking hand after you've crossed the street.

   I believe aliens are real. If I didn't, I would seriously question my mental health cuz SOMEBODY'S been mowing my lawn on a weekly basis.

   I got the moves like Jagger! I got the moves like Jagger! I got the...oh, here's the bathroom.

   Don't you hate when you buy a bag of air and you find some chips in it?

   What do you get the girl who has everything? A round of antibiotics is probably a good place to start.

   Someone really, really needs to tell Gramma this planking thing was just a fad.

   I was sitting here trying to collect my thoughts, then I realized I don't have any.

   If you don't like bacon, you should be on a government watch list.

   just discovered an addictive app, see y'all in 2015

   Anyone want to be friends with benefits? Like we'll give each other rides to the airport and help each other move but still be just friends.

   If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me

   It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a cockroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.