Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Idiots who post pics of food or alcohol they are about to consume, stop it!!! 
I just found out that I hit the $640 million Mega Millions jackpot, but my Dog swallowed the ticket.
When I win the Mega Millions...The first order of business is buy the company I work for. Second, fire myself and collect unemployment...double dipping
just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Right now in houses across the Nation, parents are trying to explain to their kids where their college funds went.
still in a relationship. Cuz I didnt win the mega millions
To all of you who posted your lotto numbers: I copied them and played them too. If you win, I win. And I get half. Think of it as a pre-emptive divorce.
I want you to feel like it's home when you're in between my thighs. ;)
Has A Bigger Possibility Getting Killed On My Way To Buy A Megamillion Ticket Than Winning It
N!gg@h please. You no g@ngster, you too black, you a Thug..
Just rubbed the blue dot from the National Enquirer (fingers crossed).
When I'm a millionare, I'm hiring someone whose only job is to stand at the top of a stairwell and high-five me when I get to the top.
At a Birthday Party, I dared one kid to suck all the helium out of all the balloons. Today this kid is known as Justin Bieber.
Sleep + social life = Bad grades. Good grades + sleep = No social life. Good grades + social life = No sleep.
Congratulations! You've won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter, The creators of SPONGEBOB were obviously high.
If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.
Anyone checked lately to see if there are still other web sites?
I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it
If I hit the $500 Million remind me to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes 