Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gas prices are about $3.95 a gallon and females still think guys are coming over to just "CHILL"

   Anyone else got that one drawer they wish they never opened?

   was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking "who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

   Daylight Savings Time doesn't officially start until 2am... but don't worry about trying to remember to set your clocks... I will be calling everybody then to remind you...

   You can keep your love, your trust is what attracts me.

   Junk- something you keep for years so you can throw it away three weeks before you need it.

   I'm so crazy I'm thinking about springing forward right now....see you in an hour!

   I fell asleep last night with my TV on watching a Jersey Shore marathon and this morning my Toshiba died of AIDS

   Why do women feel the need to tell us men how to do our jobs?....I had a reason why I didn't pull out!

   Dear IRS, Please cancel my subscription.

   Of course I wanna go to my high school reunion! There's nothing I'd rather do than waste hundreds of dollars and precious vacation days, just to hang with a bunch of people I couldn't stand. And still can't.

   air guitar for sale! Any offers?

   A whole pot of and three Redbulls.....I can pronounce that symbol that Prince had for his name.

   My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother...

   Stacy's Mom-The Music video that lead an entire generation into masturbation.

   Watching Linda Barrett exit the pool for the 1363rd time...Doesn't anybody knock anymore!!!

   dude, she just called you gay. oh hell no!!! hold my purse!!!

   Full Disclosure: I get most of my jokes from a 13 year old Amish kid named Caleb.

   What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver.

   Bro she just called you blind! OH HELL NO! Where is she?