Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wheres my money trick : (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ *flips table*

   Battered women sounds taste, but it's just a bad idea.

   If you ignore a problem and it goes away, was it ever really a problem ?

   To be or not to be? What a silly question Hamlet... Just let it be,, let it be... J. Macartney

   I got fired from my job at Walmart, because every time a woman bought batteries, I winked and told them "I know what these are for!" Whatever.

   Just for fun, I like to take my 5yo to the Walmart pet aisle, and watch people's reactions when I make her try on dog collars..

   When I'm old & my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals, stand over the caskets, & whisper "I won."

   My wife doesn't believe in labels, which is probably why she drank all that bleach.

   Had a mini anxiety attack wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.

   The only time to use the self check out lane at the store, is when you're buying tampons, or Wesley Snipes DVDs.

   remembers when pink slime was something seen on Nickelodeon

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?

   Just overheard the guy in the next stall over whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry.... Lord, How I hate Turnpike rest stops.

   Saw a fat girl buying a rape whistle today. You gotta admire her optimism.

   As far as Miss Universe Canada is concerned, it seems the "Miss" part of the competition has to start at birth...

   I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

   Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster.

   Ever notice that kids with Down Syndrome always seem to be so up? We could all take a lesson from them.

   Keep your head up and smile in the face of your enemies cause they hate to see you shine....and they'll do anything to see you rust.

   I spent the afternoon scanning profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.