Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear M.Jordan please start making condoms. So these n*gas will start wearing them.....

   The ULTIMATE a-hole move would be if Bill gates bought every combination of the lotto. Only 176 million combos so he'd double his money unless there was additional winners.

   When I think of terrorism, I think of lynchings, dogs, bombings, assassinations, slavery, chain gangs, Jim crow..not poor Afghans villagers

   Wow! The economy is so bad people are even stealin from Dr.Suess now!

   At least Whitney Houston died doing what she loved. Cocaine.

   most pirates get their eye patches just a little while after they get their hooks

   it me or does the pope look like a super villian?

   I can't wait for the next Micahel Bay movie, where he destroys a kids tv show,.....My Little Pony.....yeah now you girls don't think it's so funny lol

   If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.

   I just tenderized the pork... now to put my pants back on and go start dinner.

   After reading your recent updates, I'm surprised that Facebook hasn't yet asked you, "Whatever's on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?"

   My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i'm good at being drunk!

   I liked you better before we met.

   just had the new Doritos taco........, but I still don't get the ad where they drive 900 miles to buy one. Why not just buy a bag of Doritos and pour yard waste in it?

   And to save enough money on gas to make up the extra cost of buying the hybrid, you'll be gassing up for the next 13 years. And the SUV's will still be laughing, Just longer and louder.

   I have just hired 2 private investigators to follow each other Let the games begin.

   To all those people with big trucks and SUV'S who laughed at me because I bought a hybrid......i see you getting gas all the time

   I go to the gym to play my favorite game called "I spy a sexy cameltoe" its so fu#king sexy.

   Looking For a Truly Romantic & Meaningful Overnight Relationship, please pm my inbox for details...... Midgets, Casey Anthony and Octomom - Don't Bother applying!

   Going out on a date with Octomom tonight… Just in case…wearing socks under 3 pairs of condoms…