Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a homeless guy in a dumpster today. Why would anyone throw away a perfectly good person?

   My cat got a "YOL9x" tattoo across it's stomach.

   Insomnia is nature's way of saying you're not done bugging people for the day.

   Look at the risks men take when they meet a woman, if they are lucky...they get screwed otherwise they get screwed for life;)

   When I have to put on one of those thick leather weightlifter belts to take a crap, I know it's time to eat some vegetables.!

   You sit quietly under a needle for hours getting a tattoo but if I touch you with my ice cold feet you let out a bloodcurdling scream.

   FYI: If you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off my car, lay on the hood, and feed birds for an hour!

   Gotta love the siri iphone 4. My friend farted in the car and siri new we had pizza..!!

   I haven't changed my clock since last year so today my clock is finally right!

   Who cares what Dr. Oz says? He used to be a Wizard, now he's only a Doctor. Screw that loser. He's clearly on the way down.

   Never, ever be ashamed of what you are. I'M not ashamed of what you are.

   I was a real stud in bed last night. We started having sex at 1:57 am and finished at 3:05 am.

   (-_(-_(-_(*-_-)_-)_-) (>^_^)> }¡{ Dammiit Dude quit chasing that butterfly & get back over here

   Coffee , you're on the bench ..... Beer , suit up , you`re on .........

   I hope daylight savings time hasn't thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing

   Help! I'm an heiress trapped in the life of a peasant.

   Does anyone know where I can get a new lease on life? The one I have isn't working out.

   if you havin kony problems I feel bad for you son, he snatched 99 children and your post saved none.

   Coffee, you're on the bench. Alcohol, suit up.

   M&M's totally melt in your hand.