Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that I'm older my, "Girl I can go all night" is me pleading my case for the side of the bed closest to the bathroom

   When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.

   Dad to Mom: "You don't have to make me food today." Mom: "Really?" Dad: "Hell no. Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. April Fools!"

   Grandpa died from a vaigra overdose, and I still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper.

   The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

   It's fitting to have Wrestlemania on April Fools Day..

   just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.

   Hey Girl Scouts, let mom handle my cookie transaction. I don't have all day to watch you practice math..

   Just walked out of Wal Mart and thought to myself... "Wow, I've never seen it that empty with customers". Then it hit me... WrestleMania is on tonight.

   The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"

   Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured

   When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza."

   My girlfriend is leaving me because I'm obsessed with nike.. I looked her dead in the eyes and said "just do it"

   I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.

   I wanna know why I wasn't invited to the orgy last month. It must have been one hell of a good one with all the women announcing their pregnancy today!!

   OMG !! This Google Circles thing is the Shizznitt... - posted on Facebook.

   Tomorrow I'm calling Geico and saving 15%, then I'm calling Progressive and saving $475, then State Farm to save $540, then 21st Century to save $430 .... by the time I'm done, they should be owing me money!!!

   The crowd is huge at this year's Wrestlemania! But America's obesity problem is nothing to joke about.

   I don't have a pet,, so I adopted this spider, but the stupid thing won't even chase the laser pen,,, It's got 8 eyes so I *know* he sees it.