Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates, but I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates.

   Remember children are our future...If we do not keep them plump and healthy, we will have nothing to eat during the apocalypse.

   Geeesh,,Nobody seems to care about all the times I DIDN'T drop the baby.

   Can't wait to play the Lotto once again. I was so close last week. I was only off by 6 numbers.

   You're 14 and quitting smoking? How Inspiring.

   "Tickets." — me (when other people get on the elevator)

   I needs some skittles and a yoohoo

   If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, sh!t probably stops being funny real quick.

   That new survey says that 33 is the happiest age but somehow I think Jesus and John Belushi might disagree.

   Girl just asked me to talk dirty so I described the space behind my fridge.

   Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron.

   After finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127...

   How come it seems like every woman is wrong until she starts crying... Then she magically becomes right?

   If I could put one thing in the U.S. Constitution, it would be "In order to wear Yoga Pants, one must have a Yoga Body."

   What's the best way to staple someone's face to their desk and make it look like an accident?

   I'm at the bank depositing my nickel and dime bags... I told them I'll be back later with my papers... to open a joint account. :)

   "Spike Lee tweets wrong address forcing elderly couple out of their home!" Nice going Dum A$$!

   Dear sleep, I know we had our problems when I was young... but I love you now.

   I'm having an identity crisis... I can't afford to be me... Can I be you? You're cheaper.

   This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, "Good Morning Sexy." I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.