Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.

   Life's like a box of chocolate, it doesn't last very long for fat people.

   There are times NO actually does mean YES. Like when you ask a girl if she has daddy issues.

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!

   Abilify commercials depress me. Is there a version of this pill I can take just to get through their ads?

   Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.

   Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.

   Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me.

   People say, "You have to work on a marriage." I say, “No thank you. I already have a job.”

   70% of my enemies were once my friends.

   Is marshmallow a vegetable or a fruit?

   I woke up one day and your name just didn't make me smile anymore.

   If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say "Friend, you're wearing sweatpants." They might not know.

   Tip: you can save a step in the morning by putting mouthwash on your cereal instead of milk.

   People who say "think outside the box" should be forbidden from ever judging other people's creativity.

   Michigan State has a new course on surviving a zombie apocalypse. I think it's a trap because the prerequisites are English 101 & Brrrains!!!

   Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.

   A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes

   Please touch this. ~MC Hammer, 2012

   Fat people just want to get into your pantries.