Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists are coming closer to unlocking the secret to why the average American owns 40 pairs of jeans but only wears 3 or 4 of them.

   Coors Light ships cold straight from the factory. I wish other water companies would do the same.

   It's hard to be optimistic about the future when you go to YouTube and see how many people videotape their TV.

   Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm"

   What's the appropriate cutoff age for playing in an inflatable bouncy house? Please let me know ASAP as this will impact my weekend plans.

   I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you're a demon who must be destroyed.

   People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz.

   If someone is in the next stall while I'm using the men's room I like to yell that my water just broke.

   You do know that you stand a better chance of being attacked by a polar ninja than winning the megamillions

   I like the Facebook update. My "Update Status" box used to read, "What's on your mind?", this morning it changed to "Who are you going to annoy now?".

   In order to pull off wearing a bathrobe in public, you either have to accomplish something amazing or lose your will to live.

   Fact: Pirates wore eye patches because it took a while to realize a parrot made a better shoulder pet than a cat.

   "And then a short, bald man got on his horse and bravely rode off into the sunset" (never written phrases)

   A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

   I hate little dogs. I can only love dogs that could kill me.

   Google's self-driving car... 200,000 test miles, countless hours and dollars spent, and where is the first place the blind man drives himself.... Taco Bell!

   If I give you a tour of my house, in every room I'll say, "This is where the magic happens!",,, and you'll feel super weird about it.

   I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment. We just sleep together every night and wake up together every morning.

   Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's fish drowned...It was tragic.

   When life gives Lady Gaga lemons... She makes an outfit.