Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mosquitoes are just vampire flies.

   Marijuana is the gateway drug to a very large value meal.

   I GOT ALL KINDS OF B1TCHES!!! German shepards, chihuahuas, dobermans, poodles...

   Won the yearly food fight today.. No one was matched for me and my canned peas.

   I was violently beating this guy with a club when I realized, "I can find a better weapon than this stupid poker card"

   I am not saying I hate you or anything but if you were ever badly hurt and I had the only phone to call you an ambulance I would order pizza delivery first.

   "K?” Get back to me when you learn the rest of the alphabet.

   Checking friendship to see if this person ever wished me a happy birthday. No. Screw them.

   Even though it will mean the loss of 1-2 inches in height, some of you should seriously consider the Ped Egg..

   Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war

   Poured down rain last night...I think instead of a fish fry sandwich today, I am going to have worm stew...that counts, right?

   8.Excuse me, miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there...

   Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it's a two-star hotel.

   If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I'm gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.

   Domino's is spending a lot of money to tell us that little pieces of bread with cheese on them is the greatest idea they've ever had.

   Thinking about getting the new iPad 23 that comes out today, but might hold off to next Friday and get the iPad 24.

   Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with copious amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that's the best medicine.

   If I was a cave man. I'd be the one who hunts sloths. In my condition, those buggers are fast

   I guess it's time to find someone to grow old and miserable with.

   thinks Google Maps needs an "Avoid Ghetto" option.