Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...I see no need to flaunt My individual sense of personal and social identity based on my attraction as a Heterosexual male..(",)

   When I win the Mega Millions, I'm gonna spend it on cigars, booze, women & a new Harley. The rest I'll probably waste.

   Money spent on shoes cannot buy booze.

   My hands are so soft and warm that when I accidentally touch myself, I end up naked and spread-eagle on the kitchen bar. Room mate hates it.

   So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.

   Kiss her hello, kiss her goodbye, and kiss her for any other reason in between.

   Ladies,, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine,,,, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.

   I know ..., I'm just like the rest of you. I completely misjudged 'Ice loves Coco'

   Seen on a Deathstar bathroom wall: "For a good time, call Padme Amidala... Oops, too late."

   Oh you got your middle finger up in your profile pic? You mother must be really proud of a job well done raising you.

   I always cry at the end of Shawshank Redemption because Andy never finished carving that chess set.

   I won the lottery, then I woke up!

   I am coming mom, I am on Stalkbook, I mean Facebook.

   There is a person out there for everyone.... Your person just happens to be five cats

   Hey,, adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via my news feed,,, learn how to text.

   Idiots who post pics of food or alcohol they are about to consume, stop it!!!

   I just found out that I hit the $640 million Mega Millions jackpot, but my Dog swallowed the ticket.

   When I win the Mega Millions...The first order of business is buy the company I work for. Second, fire myself and collect unemployment...double dipping

   just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Right now in houses across the Nation, parents are trying to explain to their kids where their college funds went.