Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again, I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.

   Turned on all the lights, fired up the wood stove and heater, flushed the toilets and ran the water excessively. Did my part for Earth Day.

   If werewolves lived on the moon, would they be werewolves 24/7

   Me??? Oh, just replanting these carrots and onions... We're catch-and-release vegetarians.

   I never win at Scrable

   I'm pretty sure Subway sandwiches increase in value after the sandwich artist dies.

   You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away,, right?

   I can't quote it verbatim,, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:

   Remember ... at 8:30 tonite .. it will be Earth Hour so please turn off all of your electrical devices at 8:30 pm... Heck . with all of that power being conserved at 8:30 ... It'll be the opportune time to power up my new 1.21 gigawatt Flux Capacitor!!!

   Snooki is going to give birth to a giant Nutter Butter.

   My mixer killed my kettle. The pot is furious. The kettle might have been wearing a hooodie....I think it had some skittles.

   If you have eatin monkey brains right out of the skull, please brag about it

   You know 'yer a DRUNK when: You have to go to court to find out what happened !

   when a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason...theres a reason!!!

   This morning's poke war just serves to reaffirm my belief that I am too pretty for prison.

   TIP: A quick way to get your kids out of bed is to go in their room and shout, "What the Heck?!! There are deer in our backyard!! "

   My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.

   Now that I have the Facebook timline it looks like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing!

   Karl Marx was wrong,, Religion is not the opiate of the masses... Facebook is.. Also Angry Birds...and Draw Something

   When my teenage son needs a lesson in humility I take him to the grocery store and make him go in and buy toilet paper, tampons, Preparation H, Vagisil and anti-diarrhea medication and make him pay for it with change.