Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gentleman...... Start Your Livers!!!!

   Headline: 42-year old, mother of two, Jennifer Lopez is now dating a 24-year old backup dancer! Yeah I always knew she wanted three kids.

   I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.

   I'm not a competitive eater unless someone orders French fries,, "for the table."

   Apparently,,, hospital bed pans are only for the patients??

   starting the day off with some Lucky Charms.....I'm hardcore about today !

   Sit on my face, I'm Irish!

   After years of searching for my girlfriend's G-spot, who would have guessed her sister had it all this time!

   Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"

   Kiss me, I'm not Irish I just want the kisses.

   there such a thing as a Corned Beef and Cabbage Calzone?

   On this St. Patrick's Day please remember this: Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more

   May you have the luck of the Irish and starve today because you can't find potatoes!

   Party Rule No.1: Always make the party worth the hangover.

   Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and bad decisions.

   hunting out dwarfs to dress up as leprechauns..

   When is it a good time to mention that St. Patrick was born in Britain and kidnapped by Irish raiders and taken captive to Ireland as a slave? Not today then?

   According to Dr.Oz, EVERYTHING is unhealthy to eat,drink, breathe and so on!

   What does a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and pregnant girl have in common? In each situation there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time.

   Most woman's G-Spots are located about two inches inside your wallet.