Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.

   You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed...

   Give a man to fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'd stop after a day & be like "Screw that. It was way easier wen you guys just got me fish"

   Scientists in Southampton claim to have created a wonder drug for period pain........... Personally, I use earplugs.

   A wise man once said........ relationships are like jacking off.... no doubt, they're amazing.. but they always end in a mess.

   Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners. Personally I prefer to use my pen!s.

   It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the "hider."

   I'm still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo's cardboard box and build him a crate...

   I remember my grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket... "Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   Who the hell watches Ellen Degeneres? she's almost as funny as the death of an immediate family member.

   An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick.

   Oh, you hate drama? Please continue to dramatically complain about it.

   By the age of 60, the average black woman has spent 21900 days (3 years) scratching her weave.

   That uneasy moment when you ask a midget what they want to be when they grow up.

   Knock, knock. Honey, have you finished taking pictures of yourself for facebook? Daddy needs to take a sh!t.

   What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?............ The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with Facebook.

   Your name is something I could moan during sex.

   "Whatcha doin' ... Payin' bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." - The Cat

   These little 'Hug Juice' barrels are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp! Let's make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice, let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar....