Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart looked more like a fight-to-the-death battle royal between pajama-wearing homeless people.

   i put a grocery bag on the door when I ain't got no more garbage bags

   Ran out of toilet paper... So I looked around for a suitable replacement. Found a box of Kleenex. Should've examined the box a little closer as it had an added bonus of Vicks Vapor Rub. Now the butt is icy hot. :/

   My Mom texted me, "What does IDK, LY, and TTYL mean?" I answered, "I don't know, love you, and talk to you later." She said, "Ok I'll ask your sisters."

   I see a nice candle lit dinner for 2 and she sees an opportunity to b!tch about me not paying the power bill... Not a romantic bone in her body :(

   I think hugs are often mistakenly give where a swift kick in the ass would be more appropriate...

   I'll be the spark & you'll be the fire. Come burn with me on a bed of desire.

   richardmooney26 is George Zimmerman hiding... nowhere to go.. sh*t to do...

   We had a girl pilot on the flight home which was fine until she overflew the airport taking duckface pictures.

   I am available for parties. Not to do anything, I just like going to parties.

   A young boy said to his mother, 'How old were you when I was born?' His mother replied, '23.' 'Wow, that's a lot of time we missed spending together.'

   I love finding money in my pockets after a night of drinking. It's like a gift to sober me…from drunk me.

   You know your Twitter timeline is boring when you get unfollowed by a spambot.

   My relationship with my Ex was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.

   I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.

   One of the hardest things in life is trying to plug in your charger in the dark

   Dear guy in the mens bathroom...* man rule # 1a - if there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1 , dont come parking it at urinal #2 !...your man card is suspended !

   noticed something today at a restaurant. the womens restaurant sign is wearing a dress but the handicap sign beside it isnt...is the handicap woman naked?

   So Mark Zuckerberg just bought Instagram for $1billion? Why didn't he just go to the App Store and download it for 99c?

   Yo Instagram, I'mma let you finish, but Polaroid took some of the best pictures of all time.