Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think 4G is fast....try pissing her off :)

   Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a paramedic.

   Found some lovely shoes, almost new in fact, I don't know why anyone would throw them away. They were just sitting there outside the mosque.

   Holy Crap!!! I'm watching Fox News as we speak and they just discovered bigfoot for real... wait wait.. disregard it's Chaz Bono....

   1 sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. This means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587GB in 3 seconds... And you thought 4G was fast!

   I woke up on the sexy side of the bed this morning !

   When I dance it looks like a baby covered in baby oil is constantly slipping out of my hands and I'm catching it.

   Had I known how difficult it was to get old people's smell out of a mattress, I never would've gone cougar hunting at the retirement home.

   Right now I wondering if I would have never been conceived, if it weren't for the Doobie Brothers.

   If I ever get a tattoo,I am going to get a grape, that way when I am old,it will be a raisin.

   can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9 yr old boy living in Namibia. He has 1 leg, 1 arm, and 1 eye. Each day he rides 7 miles to school with a bike w/ bent wheels and no brakes. If you just send $2, we will send you the video it's freaking hilarious.

   Adolescences does n't work to much after high school

   I swear if my boss paid ever me in Trident Layers, I'd probably have to kick his ass.

   Heros don't wear capes, they wear dog tags.

   My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.

   “A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.”

   “A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”

   Gas is $4.39 a gallon.... And girls think we're coming over to Just chill???

   The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.

   Did you see that 3 pointer that Lebron James hairline just made ? What a way to close out the quarter.