Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.

   I am in a prison for something I didn't do. I didn't run fast enough.

   So let me get this straight....a giant bunny rises from the dead, commits a bunch of sins, then we eat a pig?

   It's impossible to give 110% -- so right off the bat you are lying to me.

   I can't recall,,,Was the "power of Grayskull" 110v or 220v?

   Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm backwards is mnbvcxzlkjhgfdsapoiuytrewq ,,,, Now 14% of you will proof this for accuracy,,, and then die alone.....Asses

   I don't always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.

   I wear gasoline for cologne because women love the smell of money.

   Check out my brilliant & insightful new article in REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY TODAY! On 2nd thought, don't. It's not for you.

   Next time someone gets in your face and says, "Anytime. Anywhere." say, "Melbourne. 6 years from now."

   A giraffe in a top hat walks into a bar and orders six martinis and shame on you for wanting a punchline. This giraffe needs help.

   I remember when the most important thing to pack for a trip was my toys. Then it was books, then 8-tracks, then a briefcase, then a computer. Now it's my medicine....but I still pack some toys!

   If you think 4G is fast....try pissing her off :)

   Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a paramedic.

   Found some lovely shoes, almost new in fact, I don't know why anyone would throw them away. They were just sitting there outside the mosque.

   Holy Crap!!! I'm watching Fox News as we speak and they just discovered bigfoot for real... wait wait.. disregard it's Chaz Bono....

   1 sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. This means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587GB in 3 seconds... And you thought 4G was fast!

   I woke up on the sexy side of the bed this morning !

   When I dance it looks like a baby covered in baby oil is constantly slipping out of my hands and I'm catching it.

   Had I known how difficult it was to get old people's smell out of a mattress, I never would've gone cougar hunting at the retirement home.