Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told the lady Jimmy John delivery driver to give me a call when she was promoted to sandwich making.

   Caution: this Facebook user may use sarcasm and cynicism in a way that you are not accustomed to. Viewer discretion is advised.

   Well, as far as Timeline goes, something tells me my Great-Great Grandchildren are gonna run across mine and say, "WTF!"

   OH MY LORD!! I almost sat down on the toilet without my droid...

   There's a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road, and all I can think,, is that one of you,, is without your protective headgear today.

   Super-Sorry to the family I choked out at the laundromat this a.m. I thought you all stole my beige sock. Just found it in car!

   I believe in love. I also believe in Superman and The Force.

   People who say they don't have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about them.

   "Gigs" are better than "jobs," because at gigs the expectations for your sobriety are significantly lessened.

   I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.

   I showered and came to work. Asking me to be productive is pushing it

   Team Edward, Team Jacob, & Team Hey Kid Read Some Anne Rice Already.

   You say "potato," I say "larger more powerful potato."

   If wearing a hoodie automatically made you a suspect there'd be dead emo kids everywhere.

   According to the Amcash commercials, I only need my checkbook and last paystub. Apparently, your last paystub from October 2011 doesn't count!

   ..[̲̅B̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅w̲̅] [̲̅a̲̅] [̲̅r̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅o̲̅] [̲̅f̲̅] [̲̅t̲̅] [̲̅h̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅i̲̅] [̲̅l̲̅] [̲̅l̲̅] [̲̅u̲̅] [̲̅m̲̅] [̲̅i̲̅] [̲̅n̲̅] [̲̅a̲̅] [̲̅t̲̅] [̲̅iÌ

   Every time I see the car commercial with the family singing Crazy Train, I wonder if Ozzy Osbourne thinks to himself, "Azsedgbhnmiolp!"

   Stay out of my dreams if you're not going to be there when I open my eyes

   Dubstep is just dance music with Touretts Syndrom.

   I was thinking about becoming a comedian, but I don't think I'm sad enough.