Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey friends..... if I really wanted to "Branch Out"...... I would drink a Jagerbomb with a Miracle Grow chaser!

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you.

   My bracket is destroyed. I had Inga, Bjorn, and Johan in my Swede 16.

   The older you get, the harder it gets to find someone willing to share a horse costume with you.

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now

   At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.

   When Tim Tebow heard about Peyton Manning coming to Denver he threw a fit. Unfortunately He missed his intended target by ten yards.

   Watched a boy make a wish at a coin fountain. He tossed the coin & missed it. Missed. An. Entire. Fountain. Ugh, this kid sucks at wishing.

   What's this "Sex Slavery" that everyone is talking about? And how do I enlist?

   I only appear to be happy to irritate the people around me.

   #Tebow will be the first person in history to leave the mile-high club a virgin.

   "And when there was only one set of footprints, that was when I was off hiring a more talented quarterback to replace you" - God to Tebow

   Just saw Peyton Manning Tebowing, very thankful for his new job.

   How in the world did Bill & Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity nickname HillBilly? WE DROPPED THE BALL AMERICA.

   fat girls are proportionately more angry than skinny girls

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room.

   I think it would be cool to actually see a great white shark before I die, just not RIGHT before.

   I can honestly say that I have never fake laughed as hard as any member of the America's Funniest Home Videos audience.

   Don't you hate it when you get that one idiot that pollutes your entire post?

   There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while I'm trying to interrupt.