Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite machine at the gym is the exit door.

   I only have a home phone so I can find my cell phone.

   Does this leaf make me look fat?" - Eve.

   I phoned the Procrastinators Helpline... They took my number and said they'd get back to me :/

   I applied for a job in a Pshyc Ward. They said I need 24 hrs experience with a retard... So I was wondering, what are you doing tomorrow.

   Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I give them a big hug. I can only imagine how hard life must be for the visually impaired.

   The Muppets would have been so much better if Kermit had been voiced by John Wayne.

   These tornadoes are awful...I blame the violence in tornado themed video games

   I like to go up to my wifes twin sister and say "i know what you look like naked"

   Click like if you almost cried when Trey said,"Yo Dough...You still got one Brotha left!".

   I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German..

   Ever since I started working out every day, I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

   went to doctor yesterday. the nurse had to stick me with the needle 5 times...with that much poking was they being a nurse or a facebook friend?

   Once upon a time the hardest decision we had to make was to choose our favorite color in a crayon box...

   I would rather cut off fourteen inches of my p@nis than lie to impress a girl.

   In other news, 科 研成果 迅速 转化为生产力 是这个特!

   WTF.. is a newspaper?" - our grandchildren

   I don't care if you're a dog person or a cat person, I generally don't date anyone with a tail.

   A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

   Sure, I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay an admission!....Oh Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.