Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothings worse than Single BicheZ talkin bout they Wife Material.. Thats like saying you Management material but Unemployed!

   'Erotic Thriller' always sounds better than 'Terrible Film.'

   Crushed ice, needs to be placed higher on a pedastool.

   Even that crack on the wall becomes more interesting when you're meant to be studying.

   Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.

   sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   My wife and I like to play this little game where we both see something that needs to be put away, but we leave it out to see how long it takes the other one to do it. She doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as I do.

   Pictures of the Queen naked....Oooops! This isn't Google.....

   still crying 12 hours after putting his contact lenses. Never gonna eat Jalapenos with my hands again.

   I was enjoying a good sleep today when I was rudely woken by a bloody salesman."Sir..." "Look," I said, "I'm not interested, I'm actually trying to sleep." "Sir, are you going to buy the bed or not?"

   A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

   I'm takin' the fact that I have one neighbor who doesn't wave at me.. as a sign that she likes bags of flamin' dog poop on her porch.

   Don't worry, guys, Tebow is being traded for our sins.

   If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.

   Spring is finally here! Spring Cleaning or Spring Break partying.. the choice is pretty obvious. These shelves aren't going to dust themselves!

   If you are arrogant enough to assume that I know what is going on in your life because I read every single one of your Facebook status updates, I probably hid you a long time ago.

   I don't want you charity unless your charity is bacon and then I will take it.

   I believe that there will be a war of the sexes one day and the male leader will rally his troops for battle by riding through the ranks shouting, "REMEMBER THE ALIMONYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

   Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer...

   The only reason that I haven't yelled at anyone yet is because I am reserving my energy for a slapping spree...