Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That Sexy Face you make when applying M A S C A R A.

   Dear extra fat on my body, You have two options, move to my boobs, or gtfo.

   Nowadays People know the price of everything, But the value of nothing.

   Checking Your Phone To See What Time It Is... And Then Checking It Again Because The First Time You Wernt Paying Attention! Awkward.

   I want to fix you, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.

   If you watch Titanic backwards it's about a magical ship that saves people

   I went to the movies yesterday and afterwards went to the bathroom. In the stall next to me, some mom was telling her daughter, "Do you need to go tinkle tinkle little star?" And then she made lots of peeing noises. I just left the bathroom as fast as I c

   it's really inconsiderate of you to be this attaractive if you're not planning on being the father of my future children

   By Making your Bed. Your room looks 50 % clean.

   I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying,. "I wish I did that."

   One day The Hunger Games will become reality... AND YOU'LL REGRET NOT READING THE BOOKS...

   Has anyone figured out yet why women love chocolate so much ?

   Oftentimes when I drop something small and I lose it, if I have two, I will drop the second one to see if it will bounce and lead me to the other one.

   We get MLK Day off but not Good Friday...Dying for a dream trumps dying for our sins!

   Everytime I see "ROFL"... I think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   There's only two ways to start your drive thru order: Hi I'd like to order or Lemme get a uhhh

   When a man tries and fails to open a jar, he has to kill any witnesses

   In 9th grade coach said my sweater made me look gay. I replied good, as I wanted his wife to leave me alone. 'F' in gym.

   My bark and bite are equally ineffectual

   Kids, watch out for Obama supporters! They'll take half your Easter eggs and give it to the kids who were too lazy to hunt for their own.........