Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

   everybody knows the real good friday is in two weeks 4/20

   Of the seven deadly sins, I consider Dopey the worst.

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen. I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   Went to the playboy mansion today got a real BUNNY..!!

   she knows that some people never have to worry about hemorrhoirds, because they are perfect a**holes.

   Two can be as bad as one It's the loneliest number since the number one

   No is the saddest experience you'll ever know..

   I know it's 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?

   The cool thing about Taco Bell's " 5 buck box " Is that if you time your eating right... As soon as your done, you can turn right around and use the box to make a Mexican " soft serve" in it......... I know,, what a green idea

   The day after Easter should be known as Egg Salad Monday.

   Apple cobbler? Uh,, No thanks,,, If I ever want shoes made for my apples,, I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper,,, I'm NOT an idiot..

   I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.

   Goals for this weekend: 1) get drunk 2) find Easter bunny & take Instagram pic of him 3) get drunk again 4) eat chocolate 5) refer to 1&3

   Wait !! Everybody stop posting,,,,, I dropped a contact lens

   American Idol would be so much better if Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets were the judges.

   It's a shame that Qatar's national airline is "Qatar Airways",, and not the far superior "Air Qatar".

   My dog ate the garbage so told him he was bad,, He yelled "you're not my real dad!" and ran away ........ wait,, I don't have a dog

   I wasn't planning on going for a run today but then those cops showed up!

   Good: Random acts of kindness… Better: Random acts of sexual kindness.