Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.

   You can tell how much you like someone by how strong the urge to check your phone is when you're with them.

   Hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice... Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

   I was just fired from my job as an ad executive for Nike. Apparently putting the 'Just do it' label on the crotch is considered "offensive and inappropriate."

   If there is one thing that women have taught me... Is that it is OK to eat dessert before the main course! ;)

   Son of a B*tch! Every time some one likes my status my computer freezes up. I am trying to read my newsfeed so knock it off already.

   Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

   What is the difference between a pick pocketer and a peeping Tom? Pick Pocketer snatches watches…..

   Telling a cop you are so high you thought you were in London wont get you out of a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road.

   I tried dating Native American women, but it really wasn't for me. They're really in tents.

   Jingle bells, my foot smells, I pulled it from your ass. Get a beer and bring it here then pour it in a glass. - My Christmas song.

   I'm too lazy to I throw my hands up in the air and wave them like I just don't care. THAT'S how much I don't care!

   The FedEx lady would not take my package and told me to put my pants back on and quit calling her unless I need to ship an order.

   Right before I die, I'm getting my hand stamped,,,,, Just in case I wanna come back in again.

   Going "balls to the wall" is something that I will never ever ever ever EVER do, cuz... youch!

   Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.

   I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.

   "Will you love me forever?" She asked. "Of course." I replied, lying beside her...

   You call it lazy. I call it keeping housekeepers employed...

   Will you be mine? Blink for yes, lick your elbow for no. ;)