Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to wash dishes: 1. Place dirty plates and silverware in the sink. 2. Wait.

   Don't let your past tell you how to live your present and future!

   For not knowing what's going on, dogs sure look embarrassed when you watch them taking a dump.

   You know when guys pee, and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ...........That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   I'm wearing the boxer shorts with the little hearts all over them tonight.... It's probably not a good night to go to jail...

   If you've never farted in a cup then handed it to a friend asking them "does this smell funny to you?", you probably can't deal with me.

   Bon Jovi, everyone! ~ me on my first day in French class.

   How long does it take for this Smart Water to kick in? I have been slipping it in her drink for 2 weeks now and as best as I can tell nothing has changed.

   Damn it!!! My neighbor mowed his grass, now I got to mow mine again. :/ I'm gonna lower my deck two notches lower than his, just to piss him off!!!

   You know your spelling and grammar has to be REALLY bad if Microsoft Word doesnt even have a clue as to what you are trying to say.

   The only people who truly know your story, are the ones that helped you write it.

   Judging by the fact that you wear Crocs, there is no way I will walk any distance in your shoes.

   That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car.

   I would slap you but that would be animal abuse

   Toilet paper and my iPhone have a lot in common... both are essential when I take a s$it.

   ................................................................U know when guys pee and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ..............................................That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   As I got older, I thought my attitiude was starting to mellow out. Come to find out that the reason was I just didn't give a f*ck anymore!

   My girlfriend is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type.

   Hope everyone had a very Happy Easter! PS: Those weren't black jelly beans the Easter Bunny left for you...

   You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven't f*cked off or died yet.