Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I call bullsh*t on potholes! There's no weed in there, trust me, I checked.

   I would like to thanks Jesus for a Monday I did not have to experience this week.

   If a red headed man works at a bakery, Does that make him a gingerbread man?

   Great Idea! Tiny headphones for pigeons who are self-conscious about their head bopping and want to make it look like they're listening to music.

   If you mix Taco Bell sauce into your ramen, It tastes exactly like poverty

   On page 176 of the book karma sutra, apparently I now need a partner..

   Does anyone have a cell phone charger with 1.21 Gigawatts of power? I got an email from 5 days in the future and think my phone maybe a Time machine...Smart phone indeed.

   the only thing ORIGINAL in this world is weed. so sit back, chill out and talk to the cat.

   You never know who your real friends are until you post something that is not funny.

   I've just had sex the Manchester City way....I stayed on top for ages and still came second.....

   The secret of enjoying a good wine is to open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

   You know how when a guy pees and at the end he shakes his thing to get the last drop out? Well, that's how much gas I got for $2.00.

   I see Snooki met her weight goal of 98 pounds. AWESOME! One stiff north wind and Canada can deal with her.

   Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.

   My local post office uses four checkouts unless it's really busy; then they use one.

   Never apologize for your greatness but more importantly, never over-exaggerate or fabricate your own greatness.

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time.

   Procrastination ...... I'll make a joke about it later.

   "This is for the time you peed on me. And this is for waking up so early. And this is..." - me, eating my kids Easter candy while they sleep

   Love doesn't ask why, it ask "When and where?"