Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK, it's been three days since I drank those 5 cups of vinegar and ate those dye tables, and I have yet to lay a beautifully colored egg. What gives?

   Our local Golden Corral "Chocolate Waterfall" was shut down tonight because the drain was clogged up with band aids again...FTW

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.

   Ever feel like your being followed ...cause I've been seeing someone behind your back.

   Ahh Instagram,,,, Makes me wish I'd thought of cropping pictures into a square and applying Photoshop filters from 1998....

   Seeking a meaningful, romantic and deep overnight relationship... PM inbox for details... P.S. With Gas price at $4.25 a gallon, I'm not coming over "just to chill"

   Me thinks that Zuckerberg bought Instagram because a girl didn't let him take her picture once

   If you are in very psychological relationship... Make sure (s)he's psycho and you're logical

   Time to delete my Instagram account now... Also,, what's Instagram?"

   watching the local weather girl and have no idea what it's gonna be like today....

   I started tramp stamp collecting. What? Its a real hobby

   i like to follow random people, star their tweets and throw in a trophy then quickly unfollow them. makes me a twitter ninja

   Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?

   If all men are pigs and they are all the same, then why does it take so damn long for women to choose one?

   Diet = Damn I eat that ?

   I found 2 bananas and a cucumber in my new girlfriend's nightstand. I think she has an eating disorder.

   Ladies: If "snuggling" is so important to you, have the guy do that BEFORE you have sex. Trust me...... He'll snuggle and snuggle and snuggle...

   I just know my co-workers will be really surprised when they find the Easter Eggs I left them in their office........ in the far right corner........ behind the file cabinet marked records from 1989.

   A Rabbit's foot is considered good luck! A Camel's toe should be considered really good luck!!

   I'm a little confused - Facebook just bought Instagram for 1 billion dollars. Didn't anyone explain that you can download it for free?