Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook buys Instagram for one billion?!? Idiots!! They could have downloaded it from the app store for .99 cents..

   Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.

   Have you noticed that the "&" symbol looks like a guy dragging his ass across the floor?

   Welcome to "Ticked Off Tuesday". Today's special is bitchy, sarcastic attitude, with a side order of I don't give a damn. Enjoy!

   Someone who dines in a diner is a diner........... I N C E P T I O N

   A woman recently fell off a pier while texting. Don't worry; she's OK. Before she hit the water, she was able to Google "how to swim."

   It'll be 100 years since the R.M.S Titanic sank in five days. Some of the wealthiest people died that day. It was also Tax Deadline Day? Someone didn't pay their taxes......

   When a woman asks for your opinion, they don't want to hear your opinion, they want to hear their opinion in a deeper voice.

   Fact: rihanna's face is 74% forehead

   "You're so vain. You probably think this universe is about you." (Carly Sagan)

   Scatter seeds of kindness and peace will grow, you stupid idiot.

   6 of those Extreme Coupon people could fix the entire US Budget.

   Sometimes I wish I didn't live with this curse of being so awesome.

   Should the phillies A) have mexican food night so at least someone at that stadium will get the "runs" or B) sign andy reid at least he knows what to do at the plate.

   A study found that 40% of Tweets can be categorized as pointless babble... while the other 60% is serious commentary on Justin Bieber's hair.

   They say "dress for the job you want", but no one seems to understand the only job I want is to be the new Hamburger Helper Helping Hand.

   My cat keeps telling me I have a drinking problem and that I need to seek help, but really I think he's just annoyed I won't stop singing.

   Disney's now letting its theme park employees grow beards. I don't know... I think some kids might get freaked out by Snow White's new goatee.

   Darth Vader: "Here, I made you some toast." ___Luke: "It's a little on the dark side." ___Vader: ".?." ___Luke: "Lol"___ Vader: "Lol"

   Five men in Boston found in a basement bound with duck tape covered in condiments! Dinners ready!