Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm starting to forget how the alphabet goes... ABCDEFGHIJKLMFAO.....

   The internets recipe for Cream Pie is different than my Grandmothers

   I wonder if Michael Jackson looks like he did in Thriller yet

   Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.

   If you play a Nicki Minaj song and a Snoop song at the same time, you can understand what they're saying

   Girls are like Jedi's, they can lift things without even touching them... if you know what I mean.

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Depends on how drunk I am.

   I feel old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90's.

   Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

   Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. - I'm out bitc$es

   Tim Tebow's Easter sermon ended abruptly when he was replaced by Peyton Manning halfway through it.

   Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk? I hope so because thats the only excuse I have for being drunk at work.

   first 5 seconds are about the pill. the following 25 are about what could go wrong?? is it me????

   Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.

   Wwhen my wife is angry wit me, instead of giving me the silent treatment..........she jus keeps talking!

   Wow... I'm standing out on the ledge of my building, watching what looks like police and firemen trying to fit a trampoline through the front door! Pfft... Idiots!

   The economy must be bad. I just saw Micheal J Fox working at Home Depot. He was in the paint department.

   Sometimes when I'm scrolling through the Facebook news feed... I come across a really good status... and I think... now this guy is awesome... just as I'm about to like it... I'm like...oh wait that ones mine!!!

   The next president of the USA will be named Barack, Mitt or Newt! You can't make this stuff up...

   You'd think that two religions with such fierce hatreds of Pork might find more to agree on.