Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did anyone else know that "Fes" from That 70's Shows' name stands for (F)oreign (E)xchange (S)tudent

   When I say ‘it's a long story', it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   When I drive if you beep your horn .31 seconds after the light changes green I will shut off my car, lay on the hood & feed birds for an hour.

   The human brain is amazing, It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we take exams.

   You should get out of any relationship where you secretly hope the other person is kidnapped and held for a ransom you can't pay.

   I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.

   You can tell how much you like someone by how strong the urge to check your phone is when you're with them.

   Hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice... Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

   I was just fired from my job as an ad executive for Nike. Apparently putting the 'Just do it' label on the crotch is considered "offensive and inappropriate."

   If there is one thing that women have taught me... Is that it is OK to eat dessert before the main course! ;)

   Son of a B*tch! Every time some one likes my status my computer freezes up. I am trying to read my newsfeed so knock it off already.

   Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

   What is the difference between a pick pocketer and a peeping Tom? Pick Pocketer snatches watches…..

   Telling a cop you are so high you thought you were in London wont get you out of a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road.

   I tried dating Native American women, but it really wasn't for me. They're really in tents.

   Jingle bells, my foot smells, I pulled it from your ass. Get a beer and bring it here then pour it in a glass. - My Christmas song.

   I'm too lazy to I throw my hands up in the air and wave them like I just don't care. THAT'S how much I don't care!

   The FedEx lady would not take my package and told me to put my pants back on and quit calling her unless I need to ship an order.

   Right before I die, I'm getting my hand stamped,,,,, Just in case I wanna come back in again.

   Going "balls to the wall" is something that I will never ever ever ever EVER do, cuz... youch!