Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I still not comfortable with how we spell coffee.

   If you're over 50 and are whining that the bars are closed, you really should contact your doctor and get a brain scan.

   Well the pandemic unemployment is coming to an end here shortly so guess it’s time to get back to work, all these companies are all after me so shouldn’t be hard - electric company, fuel company, telephone company

   If I had a choice between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea, I wouldn't want a garbanzo bean on my face.

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.

   When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".

   HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner? ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

   I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

   If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

   i wish I was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo

   Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

   “Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

   Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels: 1) barely moving 2) maybe faster 3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind

   If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

   I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullsh*t is over.

   Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

   “What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?” -Inventor of grapefruit

   Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

   Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*

   All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.