Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Show me where it hurts and let me kiss it.

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe, unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   Heard a girl just say that she "literally died". So she's either a zombie or too stupid to live. Either way, I threw a stapler at her.

   What's the difference between "no!, no!, not my ass!" and "mmm, mmm,mmm, mmm, mm"? Duct tape.

   My girl jus told me that she is going to start "act like a woman and think like a man" so I guess that means when she is in the kitchen making a sandwich she is going to be thinking about sex!

   If you own a bar near a hospital and it's not called Flatliners, what the hell is wrong with you?

   Anything with Friday in it can't be all bad. Now Monday the 13th, that's another story.

   Please don't walk a mile in my shoes. Your feet probably smell and I don't want smell in my shoes.

   You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic

   From Kim Jong-un's diary: "Friday the 13th, yeah, that will be a good day to test the rocket".

   It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!

   Fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia. Heck I'm just afraid of that word.

   I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.

   What's long and hard, but can't get up? A North Korean rocket.

   Today is Friday the 13th..not so scary...Oh wait....here comes my ex- I change my statement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Watching Friday 13th - a load of awful make-up, on brain-dead 'zombies'. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   SOPA and PIPA tried to attack your 1st amendment. CISPA will attack your 4th amendment....if you let "them" of course

   *Stop the CISPA bill progression*. It allows the government and private companies to spy in on YOUR PRIVATE INFORMATION on any site as a means of “cybersecurity"......(Bulls**t)

   You Are Not A MAN if you can make A BABY, Your Are a Man Who Can Raise One Especially One which is not yours ~ Mr. Krab

   I Don't Drink Anymore !!!Although ...I Don't Drink Any Less either ;p