Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime?

   The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.

   I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!!!

   The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.

   Two silk worms had a race ....they end up in a tie .....(Rimshot)

   I just discovered I have a super power! I can be invisible... Oh no no wait, I'm just being ignored.

   My mom always said to make sure I had clean underwear in case I was in a car accident and that's why I keep that thong in the glove box, honey.

   How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?"

   Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...

   I was reading the ten commandments and got to "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" and I remembered where I left my wallet.

   I tried to come up with the most horrible baby name possible & settled on Adolf Judas Kardashian.

   Storms can be scary to kids, so I tell my son that thunder is God beating Jesus because he "forgot" to put his toys away.

   I am only pretty on the outside.

   Great news, everybody -- my pants aren't tight anymore! (I finished eating all the breadsticks I smuggled out of the Olive Garden.)

   I think Tupac should win a Hologrammy for his Coachella performance......

   What if we're all being punked, and Tupac was always a hologram?

   I'm not here today. This is a holographic representation of me, have a good day....

   I'll check again but i'm pretty sure I could care less that Brad and Angelina are getting married...

   i was reading this article by Oprah and she said her life began at 50, I think what she meant is she weighed 50 pounds when she was born

   If you're wondering what your girlfriend would look like as a blow-up doll, watch her put mascara on.