Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the fact that you know what's on the first page, makes you just as sad. Wipe you're eye's mate.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk

   What if no does mean yes? Just think how many spoons of sugar i've saved.

   What if Tupac is alive and we are all holograms?

   Always be positive........except on a drug test........

   My wife said to me, "Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?"

   I often carry a knife round in my pocket, when on days out with the family in the summer. Just in case I see a wasp land on my wife's neck.

   I wonder if the Def Lepard version of Rock Band will come with only one drum stick?...what...too soon?

   The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

   Actually I thought Numnutz was quite funny in re-posting a status off the first page.

   Happy Birthday Weed!

   I'm not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during 'If I could turn back time' does she think about killing Hitler.

   Okay before you kill me, can I at least pull my underwear out of my crack? A man has to go comfortable.

   Rope: $7.50 Duck Tape: $2.75 Shovel: $12.98 Never having to see that b!tch again: Priceless.

   If you've been married for more than 10 years,, You KNOW that Ken dolls are anatomically correct

   There's a ninja knocking at my front door,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, He must be new at this..

   I was just at my neighbors house for dinner but I had to leave unexpectedly,,,,,,, they came home.

   My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.

   Because of Facebook, the only presidential candidate we'll be able to have in 2040 is someone too stupid to know how to use Facebook.

   I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I'd rather sh!t in my hands and clap !"..