Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here is my new idea. In the express lane, once the cashier rings up 1 item too many, 50 pounds of pig sh!t falls on the customer.

   Darth Vader had a hell of a case of emphysema.

   Wife : Does these jeans make me look fat ?? Me : Nope ... your FAT makes you look fat !!

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.

   Used the men's room at Taco Bell earlier and I'm pretty sure the guy in the stall was giving birth to a Buick.

   What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable ?? Gettin' her out of the wheelchair!!!

   I didn't call you fat; I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream like that.

   OMFG!! The Titanic sank!! The Titanic sank!!! - My status from 100 years ago today.

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.

   How to find out if a girl is a slut in 2 steps. Step 1. Call her a slut. Step 2. Wait for her reply (If she jokes back...not a slut. If she gets pissed... then you found yourself a skeezer.

   This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him "You passed my house, let me out" & he's all like "Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication."

   M C SQUARE is Einstein's Rap Name.

   On my first day of pre-school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery... There I was...all alone....surrounded by trees and bushes.

   "Why does stuff like this always happen to me?" - gay passenger on Titanic

   "Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.

   Dear Zach, the Facebook app has down syndrome. Use some of your never ending money to fix it you selfish prick.

   "Thank you for calling Dell Customer Support. How may I help you?" "Transfer me to an American or I am switching to Macs."

   I call my lovemaking technique the "Bond Martini" because it leaves women shaken, not stirred.

   Hmmm,, So what you're saying, is that if the parrot is on his right shoulder,,, he's a butt pirate?.. Ummm, I'm only here to get my parking validated.

   The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my arse will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work.