Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't always correct someone's spelling but when I do, I google it first so I don't make an ass of myself.

   Wife: Hey babe! How's your "Boy's Night Out" going? Me: Don't hang up! They say I only get one phone call..

   Today was really good !!! My ex saw me with my new girl at the mall at lunch , I'm guessing my ex had a huge peanut and jealous sandwich washed down by a nice bottle of "hateraide" !!

   I saw a couple of signs that read "END ROAD WORK". Now I'm all for a good protest, but I just can't get aboard with this one.

   Being dyslexic and online dating can be a big problem. My last date I thought it said nympho maniac. Turns out she was a necro'philic.

   To reality check , sorry for not being up on Buick stock like you ... don't care .. as far as Tiger ..again ..don't care .. You take this crap seriously , don't you .. man , please go get laid !!!

   To the dumb ass that keeps posting stacti from over 3 years ago, Buick does still make cars, and SUVs. What planet are you from? Here's another slap in the face, Tiger won a tourney a few weeks ago.

   SO homosexuailty is UNNATURAL , like cutting your grass ? like 90% of the food we eat ??Air conditioning ?? Live your own life ..leave everyone else alone !!!

   FB a place where you can quote anyone at anytime without any reprecussions at all !!! Abraham Lincoln

   What's white and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A refrigerator.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.

   Q: What is red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.

   An Irishman walks out of a bar. ...

   Like if you remember ... TONIGHT let it be Lowenbrau !!

   Facebook...Where people present themselves as up and coming stars, yet no one, including 99% of the people on their friends list ever heard of them.

   I remember whe a bathroom mirror was for brushing your teeth and picking zits , now it's for "duck" shots !!! Technology is awesome !!!

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(

   Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.

   What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.

   My favorite post of yours is........ the one I hitch you to at night.