Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't personally like 4/20, national pot day.. my favorite is 421.. surprise drug test day.

   Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.

   Son: "Dad, I had sex for the first time tonight!" Dad: "Congrats son, have a beer! Have any questions?" Yes dad I do...."how long will my ass hurt?"

   Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* "Wow, I got down those stairs fast!"

   Added to my bucket list today: Figure out what the hell 'Snow' is saying in the song 'Informer'.

   The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them

   Count your life by smiles, not tears. Count your age by friends, not years.

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…

   With the required pants and how flexible my girlfriend has become, Yoga is a win for both of us.

   Wal-Mart needs to change their slogan to "what has been seen can never be unseen."

   WORD OF ADVICE: The key to a lasting relationship is keeping the fights clean and the sex dirty.

   Pretty sure I could make an entire meal with the crumbs in my keyboard.

   Fat Chicks, if you're going to order a salad with ham, dressing, croutons, and bacon, just order a sandwich.

   I've seen a lot of people discussing the Tupac hologram and debating if it's disrespectful to him. I personally think we're losing sight of what's really important here... we're one step closer to having holographic strippers in our living rooms!

   My Mom + My Dad - Condom = Greatest Person Ever

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home

   Turns out "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop" is NOT an effect pick-up line.

   Why would people send a friend request, without saying a word? It's almost like sitting on the train and staring at the stranger's eyes for 20 minutes...SMH

   They should make car gas tanks more realistic, in the shape of asses.

   If you had a donkey and it ate a roosters feet and got sick, would you call the vet and say your ass doesn't feel good because there is two feet of c0ck in it?