Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm starting a new fad, it's called Walk the Plank. Basically, whenever you see someone planking, walk on them and then jump off.

   If I am arguing with someone and they say "READ MY LIPS" I slap them in the mouth and tell them my vision is bad so I need large print.

   ****PILOT****

   I hadn't really planned on doing much today. So the little I have done makes me seem like an over achiever! Winning.....

   I went to the blockbuster store... and saw a caveman sitting in the corner trying to make fire by rubbing two VHS tapes together.

   My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.

   My neighbor and I saw a shooting star last night... so we each made wish. Sadly his house burned down, but my wish come true! :)

   Ah...... The irony of the London Olympics being sponsored by McDonald's and Coca - Cola

   I sleep fully clothed for a week after a woman tells me... "Everything's going to be OK."

   ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos.

   I still prefer record albums with scratch sounds a poppin...gives character

   I bought a Dale Earnhart GPS on eBay but it just keeps telling me to turn left. I swear it is starting to drive me up the walls.

   Nothing better than coming home from work, pop open a beer and watch the dog drag a$$ on the carpet.

   I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.

   While most of my friends played Doctor as a kid, I played Mortician. I didn't have much faith in them being doctors.

   Drinking promotes freedom of speech. Call me tonight and I'll tell what I really think of you!

   You know your childhood is over when you actually want to take a nap.

   Life is nothing but anticipation followed by feelings of nostalgia for times that really weren't all that great.

   If you're eating nachos and not singing nacho nacho man you're probably not as drunk as me.

   Don't underestimate stupid people. They outnumber us.