Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.

   Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it.

   My ex left me for some balding, over-weight, less intelligent, less attractive, less financial secure person.

   (Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f*ck you. (Fine) = f*ck it. (I guess) = I don't give a f*ck.

   longing for the 80's. Long hair, long guitar solos, long pubes...

   "H3y what r yhu dooinq?" ... About to throw a dictionary at your face.

   i love you as much as the first piece of bead that nobody claims

   let me be your next instagram

   *Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower. (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."

   Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life.

   At McDonalds last night the dude gave me the wrong flavored McFlurry. I threw it back at him and screamed back, "You McF*CKED UP!"

   BREAKING: Tupac died again today when a member of his posse tripped over the extension cord.

   President Obama recently released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.

   Handicap people should get a $200 ticket for parking in the regular spots.

   I hate when fat women can't cook... Ummm okay, woman you just fat for no reason?

   Ghetto counting: 1) Wahh. 2) Two. 3) Three. 4) Foe. 5) Fieee. 6) Sih. 7) Selm. 8) Ate. 9) Naa. 10) Teh. 11) Lem. 12) Twehh.

   Oh, you think you're ugly? I believe you spelled attention seeking wh$re wrong.

   F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.

   I love a woman with passionate thoughts, eloquent words, and a beautiful mind...oh, and a nice rack too!

   When I'm bored I like to put on a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks...