Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people think that Jesus is coming back? It's not like he was nailed to a f-kin boomerang

   It is so nice that so many people have learned the golden rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". The unfortunate part is... no one talks to anyone anymore!

   The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

   One of my friends just called me and said his internet was not working...I told him to reset his router and he said "I can't, it's in my neighbors house" LOL

   I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.

   The most exquisite pleasure is giving pleasure to someone you love.

   Hey cell phone companies.. Can I tell me where I can find 4g? Oh there is none? Cause 4g is really 3g jus like xfinity is comcast!

   BTW,, I won't walk a mile even in my own friggin shoes,,,, So,,

   HEY,,,I've already lined up an auctioneer to read my eulogy...... No one likes drawn out funerals.... You're welcome.

   One of the worst things to contemplate while driving is 'where are my pants.'

   Come on everybody! Let's go to the beach today!

   New aerobic workout: step outdoors without mosquito spray. And TRY to keep them off of you.

   If you throw a baseball and hit the Target logo the store drops into a tank of water.

   Man, I just got sucked into the internet and lost an hour. Hi, my name is Scott and I am an idiot...

   Reminder: Everybody be sure to get your taxes in on time! We wouldn't want the secret service to go unfunded and miss out on the important work they must do!

   I don't have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.

   tries to read books that will make me look good if I die in the middle of reading them.

   Please don't bore your friends with your troubles and worries. Tell your enemies instead, who will be delighted to hear about them.

   My mom says it's her house, but when it's time to clean, it magically becomes my house, too.

   If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate.