Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance!

   Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

   Honey, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder...

   24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

   When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

   Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion

   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

   I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

   If you ever want someone to call you back, leave a message saying: "Hey! I've got extra tickets to"....and hang up. Works every time.

   Harry Potter Pickup Line: You don't have to say "lumos maxima" to turn me on.

   Only users lose drugs!

   y'all keep saying Rhianna has a big forehead your wrong! Its more like a fivehead.

   So I read the 1st page of Hunger Games... And fell asleep.

   If you had a terrible childhood,,, you're gonna be REALLY-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.

   Go deep throat a cactus.

   It's not that I need Anger Management, it's that others need Stupidity Management.

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"

   Time I spend listening to music - 54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones - 17 minutes