Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm also not a JETS fan,,, but on E-Bay, If I ever see a old, used,, Dirty Sanchez jersey,, I'm TOTALLY buying that too....

   I just bought some jokes from IKEA,,,, I'm still not sure how to put them together with this Hex Thingy......

   Dr. just told me I have cancer and alzhiemers....atleast I dont have cancer

   I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife

   If cars really exploded as easily as they do in movie's, I wouldn't have made it hope from the delivery room.

   Damn Guess it's time to get out of the tub, my phones almost dead.

   Everytime a toilet overflows a flushed fish gets its revenge.

   oh oh here comes the slutty shorts

   I can't believe we wasted star wars technology on tupac

   there is no quicker way to separate yourself from god as to judge your fellow man

   Turtles are like toasters, if you throw unicorns at them, Dishwasher.

   New bumper sticker: If it is against the law for me to follow you home and shove that cell phone up your bum than you better keep your car in your lane!

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill

   A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.

   Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it.

   My ex left me for some balding, over-weight, less intelligent, less attractive, less financial secure person.

   (Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f*ck you. (Fine) = f*ck it. (I guess) = I don't give a f*ck.

   longing for the 80's. Long hair, long guitar solos, long pubes...

   "H3y what r yhu dooinq?" ... About to throw a dictionary at your face.

   i love you as much as the first piece of bead that nobody claims