Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men who are single, are single by choice. Women who are single, are single because they're b@t $hit cr@zy.

   I walk around while brushing my teeth because I get bored standing there

   The Mayans were right. There will be no new year this year, first sign...D!ck Clark is dead.

   Theres a new movie coming out starring Miley Cyrus...Its name? "LOL"...the Mayans were right people..

   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog

   I don't care if it's 2-1 or 64-31 aslong as it's more than double thums down i'm happy happy joy joy!

   My blended dairy drink attracts young men to my yard & they proclaim its superiority to yours...I can give tutorage,, but require compensation.

   HEY!!,,,,,They're not letting me post during the intervention for my Facebook addiction.

   My 3yo asked where the bathroom was at the park because he had to pee. I said Son,,, you're a boy....The world is your toilet..

   If I could pick one famous person, living or dead, to spend a day with, I'd pick Kim Kardashian,,and choose dead.

   When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

   When I'm down on a woman I'm never thinking outside of the box.

   It's a sad day when someone dies. Unless you're in the will.

   Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.

   I don't understand why you can lead a horse to water but you can't make a teenager do the dishes.

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate

   I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women.

   Seriously, get off the computer once in a while… smell the roses… volunteer… show your balls to a turtle…

   Ryan Seacrest has found the final horcrux.

   When comforting someone who is illiterate, I always say softly, "There, their, they're."