Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't get in and out of a folding lawn chair without looking like a special needs Greco-Roman wrestler.

   I wish little plastic airline masks would drop from the ceiling when someone's ass loses cabin pressure.

   Yesssss….neighbor guy, the whole block knows you own a Harley. So, you can stop revving your engine every 1.6 seconds. Or, better yet, while you are stopped at the stop sign. You're cool, we get it.

   My solar powered car coasted to a stop. "What luck!" I spat. The sun had just set. In Vampireville. - (excerpt from my e-book.)

   At Walmart, searching for my intellectual soul mate.

   Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.

   Considering the odds are about the same, I think it would be nice if we let the people literally "struck by lightning",, be the lottery winners...

   I'm not saying you're an ugly person, but if your picture is on the cigarettes boxes, people will stop smoking

   Miley Cyrus' real name is Destiny??? Know we know why she was so good on that pole at the Kids Choice Awards a couple years ago...

   Now the movie Titanic is available on 3D...Maybe now they'll be able to see the icebergs

   If there is one thing life has taught me, it's humility. In fact, I daresay there is no one on this planet more humble than me.

   My safe word is ..."HARDER FASTER...PLEASE DON'T STOP"

   My imaginary boyfriend just cheated on me

   gas costs more than milk, I found out today that my car is lactose intolerant.

   I told a lady at work she had foundation problems. She said that I had never seen her house. True, but I could smell her face.

   Hmmm. Better get started on my taxes.

   BREAKING NEWS: Hologram Tupac Shakur has been shot...

   Here's my tip of the day...If the person you're "in a relationship" with has they're status as "single" it might be time for a relationship reassessment.Or atleast don't act so surprised and whine constantly when it's finally over.Shut up already,your gro

   If you cant stand behind our troops, feel free to to stand in front of them!

   When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.