Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ben Franklin started the first Colonial printing press using hemp paper, I'm not saying he smoked it, a lot of sober guys fly kites in a thunderstorm.

   I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

   Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of f*cking idiot?

   statistics show that 97 % of dead people will stop posting statuses.

   If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for s@xual favors

   Health insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a turtle.

   I wonder if that McDonald's in Saint Louis is ever going to finish their giant sign...?

   Liking" a picture at 2AM on Facebook is more like "I would LIKE to have sex with you.

   theres nothing hotter than when a guy stares at my cleavage amd I pretend to get offended....

   Theres nothing hotter than when guys stare at my cleavage while I pretend to be offe ded

   I just had to unfriend someone on FB; she played too many games.

   Watching the news right now and the news lady is going to a hot dog eating contest. She just said she is going to see how many wieners she can fit in her mouth at once. I spit coffee on my computer.

   Boss just calls me into work for a quick favor & the first thing he asks me is "Are you sober?" I said "Define sober." He hangs up. I win...

   I hate when ppl are like "Hey, what kinda shot is this?" Idk the stfu and take it cause its a free shot

   there's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

   Dudes: Women LOVE IT, when you're man enough to just walk away from an argument... Unless the argument is with THEM. Then... YOU'RE a PUSS!

   I went to see a phsycic last weekend and she told me that I would be coming into money. Last night I f*cked a girl named Penny. Spooky or what.???

   Anyone care to tell me 1) Why, when brushing my teeth, I raise my eyebrows AS FAR AS THEY WILL GO? And 2) How long has this been going on?

   No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.

   Steal a couple of sips from the soda fountain at McDonalds and everyone looks the other way but do it at the taps at Outback Steakhouse and all hell breaks loose... geesh!