Funny Status Messages

   Awww.... It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

   hvng n nxpctd vwl mvmnt aiaueeeoeoee...

   I miss 1999. Ya know, when we all used to do it for the Nookie...

   Guy next to me ordered a vodka cranberry "light on the vodka". I had to go to another bar, I cannot be around someone who acts like that.

   Guys, If you suck on a fat girls t!tty for more than 10 seconds, you will get type 2 diabetes. Fact

   If you're going to slow down on the freeway whenever you see a cop, try not having the "I have a heroin condom in my butt" look on your face

   I'm gonna start driving my car on bike paths, it's only fair.

   Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends'.

   I speak 4 languages, English, profanity, sarcasm & real sh!t

   Went outside before without my iPhone & Twitter. Panicked. Didn't know what to do. Ran in circles. Tired now. Need a juice box.

   make me an alligator sandwich and make it snappy

   If you don't purposely get face soap in your nostrils to blow bubbles, you're not as self entertained as me.

   All we need to keep us happy - is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done!!!

   I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be immortal at this rate

   Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!

   Women are a Weapon of Cash Destruction.

   When I was your age, I had to download porn on a dial up connection.

   I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today then I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.

   Dear women of Jersey Shore, You're making me look bad. Sincerely, Orange.

   I fear the day I get so drunk that I actually accept Facebook's request to change my profile over to Timeline.