Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Head banging to rock music doesn't have the same effect when your bald. Ask me how I know this.

   I love watching Justin Bieber; it's like toddlers in tiara's mixed with Vh1's behind the music except live. Can't wait till we get to the drug addiction part.

   ...when the food you like doesn't like you. All these years to acquire a taste for the food I used to hate, now hates me.

   .Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8pm. You'd better f@#king be there.

   I thought that the show title 'World's Dumbest' on TruTV was referring to its featured failing comedians.

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home.......

   We need a homosexual, aetheist President with the economic and foreign affairs views of Ron Paul.

   Every girl is capable of murder so be careful before you hurt her :)

   Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it

   You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can't make him think.

   not saying my ex was dumb, but she poured the Frosted Flakes on the dining room table because she thought it was a tiger puzzle...

   If you leave your iphone unattended I will tell Siri to kill you in your sleep.

   Smoking weed doesn't make you cool. It's what you do while you're high that does.

   Women are only terrible at parking because we're constantly being lied to about what 9 inches is

   If I had a penny for every time you made me feel worthless; I'd be worth something by now.

   Some call it drug abuse. I say the drugs get what they deserve.

   You know something is seriously wrong, when you double the value of your car every time you fill up the tank.

   A 5-year-old is really just an alarm clock without a snooze button.

   My sister came back home crying over her boyfriend and asked me to console her...So I hit her over the head with the XBOX

   ˆjust sent my ex a picture of my flaccid pen!s. I just wanted her to know I was thinking about her.