Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .

   I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it

   "I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw" - Lyrics from my country music song about parenting

   A great goal in life is to never let anyone you know see you removing a hair from your mouth.

   Feck as others would feck onto you...

   "Happy last earth day" ~ Mayans

   So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to stalk and flirt.

   With the price of gasoline I am willing to take the risk of no ozone layer for old school "Regular" gasoline.

   Here is a big shout out for slugs, those little guys are out there doing the same stuff as snails but without helmets...

   Oh for the love of Jesus please stop rep0sting this "If you want to remember you borrow money from them" sh!t. We have already seen it here ten times this week alone.

   Toothpase is the smallest section at Wallmart

   Okay all of Facebook, here goes the beginning of two more days about who died in Hollywood. Yes, we all want to know, everyone at once. BEGIN!

   Awww, someone needs a hug! "Touch me and you die."

   The best way to make people remember you?Borrow money from them.

   Dick Clark died?? Man I really dropped the ball on that one!!.....too soon?

   "Jesus loves you." It's so nice to hear that said to oneself in church!! ... "Jesus loves you." A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison!!

   Never plan a future with someone that has no future plans for themselves.

   Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, this is Awesome!"

   I use Google to check if I have internet connection more than I use Google to Google.

   My fondest childhood memories are having to stay at the kennel while my parents went off to all those Amway conventions