Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

   WAIT,,,I Just read that grizzly bears can run faster than horses?. THEN WHY AREN'T WE RIDING GRIZZLY BEARS?

   Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall: "Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!

   Best friends in life are those who stand behind you during bad times… To know who our best friends are, just look at your marriage photo album…

   This donut scented car air freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

   having a one night stand.......because all my furniture has been repossesed and I've got nowhere to sit or rest!

   No doesn't mean no. No means work on the neck, the nipples try back in five minutes.-Daniel Tosh

   It's crazy to think that before Facebook all this crap stayed in people's heads

   "The Lucky One"?, More like the unlucky one's who get dragged to that movie by their gf or spouse.

   I sometimes like to call the Suicide Hotline before having a wank Nothing makes me hornier than a woman begging me not to do it.

   I don't want a baby because they're way too lazy.

   I tell people my ass is tight because I work out when in actuality it's from all the squatting in the woods.

   I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me.

   My a$$hole neighbor has this unhealthy obsession with washing eggs off the side of his house and car.

   I pooped in a plastic egg and put it in my neighbors bushes. Cant wait for his annoying kid to find it.

   Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people.

   Good night beautiful ladies *Kisses* Good night ugly ladies *hand shakes*

   I just wrote go f*** yourself on a piece of paper and put it in the suggestion box at work.

   I have an irrational fear of Disco Music...It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees.

   I'd jump in front of a bus for you. As long as its not moving.