Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching the news right now and the news lady is going to a hot dog eating contest. She just said she is going to see how many wieners she can fit in her mouth at once. I spit coffee on my computer.

   Boss just calls me into work for a quick favor & the first thing he asks me is "Are you sober?" I said "Define sober." He hangs up. I win...

   I hate when ppl are like "Hey, what kinda shot is this?" Idk the stfu and take it cause its a free shot

   there's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

   Dudes: Women LOVE IT, when you're man enough to just walk away from an argument... Unless the argument is with THEM. Then... YOU'RE a PUSS!

   I went to see a phsycic last weekend and she told me that I would be coming into money. Last night I f*cked a girl named Penny. Spooky or what.???

   Anyone care to tell me 1) Why, when brushing my teeth, I raise my eyebrows AS FAR AS THEY WILL GO? And 2) How long has this been going on?

   No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.

   Steal a couple of sips from the soda fountain at McDonalds and everyone looks the other way but do it at the taps at Outback Steakhouse and all hell breaks loose... geesh!

   I have more money now than I did when I went out last night. Which means I exchanged goods and/or services while drunk. Not good.

   If I ever swallow something potentially life-threatening and I need to induce vomiting, I hope you're around to make it easier.

   I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain't goin in after it.

   I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!

   My wife doesn't appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.

   I'm sad I'll never get to see the joy and confusion on some archeologist's face when, in a few thousand years, he tries to explain the "Shake Weight" ..

   The US may be 25th in math scores, but we think we're 12th!

   I took beano in honor of earth day and I'm not gonna dump my ash tray till tomorrow...

   Just came across a Hannah Minx video on Youtube....Looks like I'm gonna be spending alot of time learning Japanese.

   Good resolutions are like beautiful girls: they are easy to make but hard to keep

   Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.