Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife went out shopping and brought home the escalator. It was marked down.

   "I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let's make this more interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

   Thank you Facebook. If not for you, I would be jealous of my friends thinking their life isnt boring.

   Newton's Third Law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

   Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time

   I use the word Ni66a so I dont offend any ninjas!

   Nicki Minaj shut down her twitter account saying “A voice in my head told me to delete my Twitter and that's what I did,”Can that same voice tell Justin Bieber to do it also..

   I didnt know that world peace meant elbows to the head...

   If you ever actually see me smiling at my desk it means I'm stretching out my genit@ls into different animal shapes.

   My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

   you know....they say one in every four men are gay....so there must be one in my group of friends.....I hope it's Michael, 'cuz he's super cute....

   I'm the kind of person that laughs at my own status updates before I post them... because i'm just too damn funny!

   the fact that she loves anal is awesome...I just wish she'd layoff the hot peppers!

   Man-Flu is more painfull than childbirth. This is a scientific fact*. *(based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

   People say that my analogies are as bad as a candle on a forklift.

   James Harden's head trying to hurt Metta World Peace by hitting him in the elbow was just uncalled for!

   Dogs are tough I tell you...... I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

   Did you know if you watch Twilight backwards, it's still sh!t?

   Oops, Accidentally bumped into my neighbour's car....... With a baseball bat and a claw hammer.