Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I could trade my heart for another liver.. So I could drink more and care less

   When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change...

   FACT: Every woman got a girlfriend that they don't trust around their man.

   FINALLYYYY got a chance to sit down today... Too bad I'm still at work and the place I'm sitting is on the toilet : /

   It's pronounced; Doo-mas...

   If you want to Learn How to Save & Budget Your Money Ask A Republican Or A Drug Dealer!!!

   Just found out that the girl from the Blind Melon video grew up to be Jonah Hill.

   To the idiot below me, you may be right saying Franklin never flew a kite, because that's a myth. However, there is no myth about a nephew... dumb ass.

   Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

   Ben Franklin started the first Colonial printing press using hemp paper, I'm not saying he smoked it, a lot of sober guys fly kites in a thunderstorm.

   I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

   Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of f*cking idiot?

   statistics show that 97 % of dead people will stop posting statuses.

   If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for s@xual favors

   Health insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a turtle.

   I wonder if that McDonald's in Saint Louis is ever going to finish their giant sign...?

   Liking" a picture at 2AM on Facebook is more like "I would LIKE to have sex with you.

   theres nothing hotter than when a guy stares at my cleavage amd I pretend to get offended....

   Theres nothing hotter than when guys stare at my cleavage while I pretend to be offe ded

   I just had to unfriend someone on FB; she played too many games.