Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends'.

   I speak 4 languages, English, profanity, sarcasm & real sh!t

   Went outside before without my iPhone & Twitter. Panicked. Didn't know what to do. Ran in circles. Tired now. Need a juice box.

   make me an alligator sandwich and make it snappy

   If you don't purposely get face soap in your nostrils to blow bubbles, you're not as self entertained as me.

   All we need to keep us happy - is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done!!!

   I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be immortal at this rate

   Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!

   Women are a Weapon of Cash Destruction.

   When I was your age, I had to download porn on a dial up connection.

   I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today then I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.

   Dear women of Jersey Shore, You're making me look bad. Sincerely, Orange.

   I fear the day I get so drunk that I actually accept Facebook's request to change my profile over to Timeline.

   Today I was pulled over by a woman cop... I didn't know kitchens had speed limits

   I found a used condom in my box of Corn Flakes.... I think it was the work of a cereal rapist

   Okay everyone hold.... HOLD... we will slide down and all attack at once!" - Ice cubes in the bottom of a cup.

   When your dreams turn to dust....its time to vacuum.

   fat girls need more lovin. And more bacon...and more fries...and a large diet coke...

   A message to black belts age 10 and under: I feel like I have what it takes to beat you.

   What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.