Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   4 outta 5 cannibals agree that vegetarians taste better..

   The new mouthwash I bought says "24 HOUR PROTECTION ....use twice daily"

   Being a single independent person means, you're not dependent to your family and friends too, is that right?!

   It's Awkward for men to buy Pads & for women to buy Condoms.

   two muffins are sitting in an oven, one turns to the other and says "damn sure is hot in here isn't it?" the other muffin turns and screams "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

   When I'm having a day sometimes I go to WalMart and just smile and show off my teeth.

   Try and find me now Sucka!- bread tie

   Was thinking about ordering P90X, but I just had to take a knee midway through pouring a glass of sweet tea, so maybe I'll just go lie down instead.

   If you ever google Gary Oldman... don't forget the R... worst experience in my life!

   girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old s?it

   Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it.

   Seriously! Just saw a Weight Watchers commercial on the Food Network... Really? That's like a Jack Daniels ad running on PBS.

   It's funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. But, once you make one mistake, it's never forgotten.

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger… If people could learn to manage their stupidity. 

   I want to ask some people, "How do you take dumps when s$it comes out of your mouth 24/7?

   If I come to your house and you say "make yourself at home", don't get mad when I take my pants off and drink your beer.

   When black girls take off their earrings you know s$it just got real.

   There are over 52.6 million dogs in the U.S. Not counting your ex.

   I am generally caught off guard when people have their cell phone ringer turned on..

   If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit "end" on a call, I would have no friends.