Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I fear the day I get so drunk that I actually accept Facebook's request to change my profile over to Timeline.

   Today I was pulled over by a woman cop... I didn't know kitchens had speed limits

   I found a used condom in my box of Corn Flakes.... I think it was the work of a cereal rapist

   Okay everyone hold.... HOLD... we will slide down and all attack at once!" - Ice cubes in the bottom of a cup.

   When your dreams turn to dust....its time to vacuum.

   fat girls need more lovin. And more bacon...and more fries...and a large diet coke...

   A message to black belts age 10 and under: I feel like I have what it takes to beat you.

   What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

   My wife went out shopping and brought home the escalator. It was marked down.

   "I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let's make this more interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

   Thank you Facebook. If not for you, I would be jealous of my friends thinking their life isnt boring.

   Newton's Third Law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

   Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time

   I use the word Ni66a so I dont offend any ninjas!

   Nicki Minaj shut down her twitter account saying “A voice in my head told me to delete my Twitter and that's what I did,”Can that same voice tell Justin Bieber to do it also..

   I didnt know that world peace meant elbows to the head...

   If you ever actually see me smiling at my desk it means I'm stretching out my genit@ls into different animal shapes.

   My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

   you know....they say one in every four men are gay....so there must be one in my group of friends.....I hope it's Michael, 'cuz he's super cute....