Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Copper wire was invented by two Jews fighting over a penny.

   One of these days I'm staying home, and sending my hologram to work instead!

   The hardest part about solving this Magic Eye poster is that Seal keeps telling me to stop staring at his face.

   If you come into my office smelling like sweet and sour chicken, there's a 33% chance I will lick you if these HR complaints are accurate.

   I like to stare at people. If they try to leave I put one finger on my ear and say The Buffalo is roaming. I repeat The Buffalo is roaming.

   You know you are in for a sh!t day when you're sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic with your girlfriend & your wife walks in.

   Now they're saying cigarettes can cause rectal cancer. I'll be okay though, I'm always very careful to put them in my mouth.

   “What's marriage like?” “Oh, can't complain.” “That's good.” “No, she just won't let me.”

   I've tried experimenting with drugs. Putting acid in my wife's tea has been the funniest yet.

   Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. Possibly the most niche pub ever.

   People usually complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

   Apparently! My son say's i'm not old skool, I am in fact lame......Well I was so shocked I could of thrown my walkman at him.

   Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.

   It's all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power

   if a cannibal eats a vegetarian does that count as a full course meal?

   There's no woman in the world more beautiful than the one lying next to you...............at that time :)

   Just saw Steven Tyler in a Burger King commercial... There's no punchline. That in itself is funny.

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking.

   The power of the human brain is amazing!!!! Did you know if you pretend to take a salt shaker and shake it on your tongue, you will ACTUALLY taste salt???!!!

   Dude, you're driving a Jeep, surely you can take a speed bump faster than 4mph...