Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting Old- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

   What came first, internet porn or "clear all search history"?

   The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.

   My ex just sent me a photo of her having sex with her new boyfriend. I sent it to her Dad

   The guy who invented copy and paste is my hero.

   9 out of 10 doctors agree that the 10th doctor doesn't know what he's talking about.

   After going back to school I can now spell G.H.O.S.T.

   I just realized why Obama raised tobacco taxes to exponential levels. It's pure profit from all his supporters continually blowing smoke up his a$$.

   Look...the very LEAST we could do is have sex.

   A woman's heart is as tender, vulnerable and fragile as a man's balls. Don't break hers and she won't break yours.

   Gentlemen, nerd girls are the world's greatest underutilized romantic resource.

   My 1st relationship taught me that men and women aren't all that different. And my 2nd one taught me that my first gf was a tranny.

   You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

   When the air hostess stops smiling and sits down, then you know it's about to go down.

   If you play a Ke$ha song backwards, you hear messages from Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you hear Ke$ha.

   "F%&k da haters, imma do me, these b!tches aint real I'm the realest b!tch" - Every Ghetto Chick On Facebook

   Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.

   HOORAY HOORAY the 1st of May,outdoor screwing starts today!

   Snakes are just tails with faces...

   To be completely honest, you should know that I am a compulsive liar.