Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.

   When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.

   Never trust a homeless guy selling homemade lemonade, just saying.

   A study found that trying on swimsuits made women feel objectified. Having a researcher in the changing room probably didn't help either.

   I looked in the bathroom mirror this morning and saw my Dad looking back at me. We should stop taking baths together.

   Charles Taylor might very well be guilty of war crimes, but he does make a fine sneaker

   Imperial units should only be used when measuring general levels of rebel scum.

   The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.

   I'm beginning to think Queen Latifah is not actually a queen.

   "My God, they spilled glass shards, tacks and honey on this floor. How will we get it up?" Law & Order: Special Vacuums Unit

   You act like I was drinking alone...but I had the entire Verizon network with me

   With fewer toothpaste choices on the market now, maybe those 5 dentists can finally agree.

   My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

   price of the most expensive premium gas on 4/16/2012 - California: $4.472 per gallon ************* price of the CHEAPEST gas (natural 95) in Europe: 1.6 EUR per liter = 3.785 EUR per gallon = $5.00 per gallon....... who should be complaining now?

   The best way to get over a girl is get under a different one....

   When I need a friend, you're there.. When I'm lonely, you're there.. When I'm afraid, you're there.. When I need help, you're still there.. Dammit! When the f*ck will you come over here?? You're always there!!

   Hey Britt's..... I'm one of those "Smelly Fuck" Americans and I have a question for you... I found this old looking sword that has "Property of Cornwallis" stamped on the blade somewhere near Yorktown.... Does it belong to one of you guys?

   ❒Single ❒Taken ✔My right hand.

   I gave the wrong answer to the "boxers or briefs" question. I replied, "Depends."

   Two Way Monologue - The normal in any relationship