Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think a funny thing to do is call "How's My Driving" numbers on the backs of trucks and yell, "Well for starters GET OFF THE PHONE!"

   Struggling with Impostor Syndrome a lot lately. I guess I just need to relax, take a breath, and remind myself that my father was the Czar.

   My coworkers don't engage me in a lot of water cooler chit-chat, but it may be because my favorite topic is "water cooler spigot bacteria."

   I think we'd all be a lot cooler with dying if the five stages were denial, anger, bargaining, pop-locking, acceptance.

   Time for you children of the 80s to feel old. Sheena Easton turns 53 yesterday. Think about that while you are on the morning train.

   I have a confession to make to all the rappers out there: I waved my hands in the air and I cared a little bit.

   My son just did something so terrible in his diaper that it has shaken my belief in God

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.

   Based on my wardrobe, dog hair is my favorite color:)

   My girlfreind says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.

   Every time I break up with a Japanese girl I have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

   MATH = Mental Abuse To Humans

   I've missed a lot of exciting adventures because I had enough money to get into trouble, but not enough to hire a good lawyer.

   Sometimes love is like having one too many drinks....you feel so good that you don't notice you're making a fool of yourself.

   There are always two ways to look at things. I prefer to look at them my way.

   Just because I don't tell anyone, doesn't mean that problems doesn't exist in my life.

   The term "good girl" becomes irrelevant if she is hanging out after 2AM.

   What I do when I'm hungry: ( ) get up and get food (x) moan like a dying whale until someone feeds me

   YOu know she's trained right IF when you roll up to the pump.....she jumps out and then pays for the gas

   She's trained right when you roll up to pump fuel, and she jumps out to clean the windows.