Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MATH = Mental Abuse To Humans

   I've missed a lot of exciting adventures because I had enough money to get into trouble, but not enough to hire a good lawyer.

   Sometimes love is like having one too many drinks....you feel so good that you don't notice you're making a fool of yourself.

   There are always two ways to look at things. I prefer to look at them my way.

   Just because I don't tell anyone, doesn't mean that problems doesn't exist in my life.

   The term "good girl" becomes irrelevant if she is hanging out after 2AM.

   What I do when I'm hungry: ( ) get up and get food (x) moan like a dying whale until someone feeds me

   YOu know she's trained right IF when you roll up to the pump.....she jumps out and then pays for the gas

   She's trained right when you roll up to pump fuel, and she jumps out to clean the windows.

   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

   Hey Girls,,, When a guy says "I'm listening",, what he means is "I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd be unstoppable".

   That annoying moment when your juice box refuses to lose it's virginity

   I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous class today and introduced myself to 12 other people. When I walked out I was no longer anonymous but was still an alcoholic?

   You can take that thumb, and shove it up your A$$.

   Just ate the last bit of food in my lunch box, this overtime now officially sucks!!!!

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a f@#king dragon and sh!t myself.

   I'm in a band, you've probably seen our posters. We're called missing cat.

   I think the guy that misspelled "Ghost" actually wanted to write "Goat's soap"

   HoodTranslations101: "I'm chillin tonight bruh" - My current financial situation will not allow me to partake in the festivities tonight.

   This drug sniffing dog was a great investment! He already found 2 bags of weed I thought I had lost!