Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You call them enemies, I call them people who wish they were me.

   Dear girls calling themselves Barbie: I hope you realize a barbie is 100% plastic and brainless.

   When I get in an elevator, before I press a button, I turn around look at everyone inside and say: "Okay people, are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?"

   My epileptic wife had a seizure in a bathtub full of water so I threw in some dirty laundry and laundry detergent. WIN !!!

   The worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.

   Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore... a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband!

   Paddy goes on a 1st aid course, the instructor asks him what would you do if your child swallowed the front door key? Paddy said i'd climb through the window.

   I took the Mrs to the doctor's as she had a golf ball stuck up her arse. He said" f*ck me, that's up a fairway"!

   Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!

   My size 28 girlfriend decided to go to an aerobics class, she bent, twisted, gyrated, and jumped up and down for an hour. But by the time the fat c*nt had got her leotard on, the class had finished!

   My password is ***********.

   Glass blowers always go glass to mouth

   Whenever someone asks, "Can I be perfectly honest with you?" The answer should always be, "No."

   I could be a sports analyst because I'm good at saying "at the end of the day" and "arguably".

   Life has a weird way of working out if you take enough booze and drugs

   I'd tell you a joke about my p*ssy...but you'd never get it!!!!!!!

   I saw my therapist today, she didn't see me....grin..

   Whenever a bird craps on my car , I sit on my front porch and eat a plate of scrambled eggs just to let them know what I am capable of

   It makes me sad when people say they married their best friend, mainly cuz marriage between a man & beer will never be legal.

   I don't look outside windows at night because I'm scared of seeing a face.