Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

   Reading the first dozen pages, reminds me of reading something from the 50s...so wholesome.

   My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..

   Well APPARENTLY,,,, baby powder + water does not make a baby................... Myth,, BUSTED...

   You'd think the crescent roll's packages would have a warning like: May blow your hand off if opened correctly.

   Remember the last rule of Fight Club is, "Most importantly: have fun!"

   Just had a Popsicle and the riddle was: "Q: What's purple and cold and filled with the spit of underpaid Popsicle writers?"

   We forget that it was Ben Franklin who said fish and guests smell after three days, and that Ben Franklin was a notorious guest murderer.

   If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. Everybody else, write a novel about your childhood.

   I think a funny thing to do is call "How's My Driving" numbers on the backs of trucks and yell, "Well for starters GET OFF THE PHONE!"

   Struggling with Impostor Syndrome a lot lately. I guess I just need to relax, take a breath, and remind myself that my father was the Czar.

   My coworkers don't engage me in a lot of water cooler chit-chat, but it may be because my favorite topic is "water cooler spigot bacteria."

   I think we'd all be a lot cooler with dying if the five stages were denial, anger, bargaining, pop-locking, acceptance.

   Time for you children of the 80s to feel old. Sheena Easton turns 53 yesterday. Think about that while you are on the morning train.

   I have a confession to make to all the rappers out there: I waved my hands in the air and I cared a little bit.

   My son just did something so terrible in his diaper that it has shaken my belief in God

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.

   Based on my wardrobe, dog hair is my favorite color:)

   My girlfreind says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.

   Every time I break up with a Japanese girl I have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.