Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Really? I swear there is just not enough toilet paper to deal with the s*** around here sometimes!

   Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

   I don't always eat cookies....but when I do, it's in a horrifically violent manner. - Cookie Monster

   I paid a doctor to give me a colonoscopy. If I did that to a dog, they'd throw me in prison.

   It's gotten to the point where I can't get off unless they say "please pull forward to the first window"

   Dog diary: Me and my master played all day long! Cat diary: Day 147 of captivity.

   I have lived through death of Michael Jackson, first black president, Royal Wedding and Osama's death. My life's a fuc?ing history book.

   Accidentally paused a movie with my stomach fat. God is getting catty with his signs.

   It's never acceptable to hit a woman, unless that trick puts light mayo in your sandwich.

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

   Corporation tip: Customer support should not sound like you are listening to a Bin Laden tape. I wonder if the FBI was listening in.

   Fact: Most American Caucasians will claim Cherokee heritage as well. Its just easier picking a group that isn't around anymore.

   I will only believe that YouTube truly has everything once I can see Burl Ives song Ham and Eggs on there. You have failed, internet.

   I feel like I am forgetting about something. Oh that's right the titans. I was supposed to remember the titans.

   I'm pretty sure there's a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED.....

   Wouldn't it be cool to have that magical magic marker for people that stores have for money?? Yanno, to see if they're real!!

   Photoshop is cool and those Instagram filters are pretty sweet but what are we gonna do about mirrors?

   what do you call a man who has everything and nothing at the same time? Married!

   While most of you will be at the theaters watching The Avengers tonight I will be in the confines of my own home watch The Avengers XXX which is a slightly different version of The Avengers

   Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.