Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser and Beer makes you look better..

   advises all the young people, "Do not grow up; it's a trap!!"

   Dropped a piece of ice in the kitchen. Kicked it under the fridge...

   Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings? To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during s3x.

   Google you remind me of my girlfriend, let me finish my sentence before you give me suggestions!

   My wife's a magician. She can turn anything into an argument.

   Time is not wasted, when your wasted all the time" ~Benjamin Franklin (I think.)

   I want to meet the teenage versions of my parents.

   My wife wants to go on Holiday and be treated like a Queen. So I brought her a ticket to India, as they worship cows over there.

   My girlfriend said she gives up and can't see me anymore. I am amazing at hide and go seek.

   My recycling guy knows 2 things about me... I don't recycle very often and I like beer.

   I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently, she left me a few days ago.

   I hold my bottle of beer the same way as I hold my wife. By the neck.

   Overheard" Toyota Prius- you may get 53 mpg in that, but chances are you are still not getting laid"

   I'll never forget my wife's last words "Are you sure I don't need a parachute?"

   Son when I was young there was no wheels on suitcases, we carried them wherever we went.

   I have a great new way of lasting longer in bed with my wife. I keep my eyes open and think about her.

   Last night my wife said to me, "What would you do without me?" Apparently, "Your sister" was the wrong answer.

   My wife told me I spend too much time on facebook, so I poked her and liked her divorced status.

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.