Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope I never become one of those dads who yells, "Shut the door, you're letting all the cold air out!" like some sort of cold air hoarder.

   I am on Buford Avenue and basically ready to wrestle anyone who's up for it. Or even not up for it.

   Shout out to all the hard of hearing people!

   My friend absolutely insisted that I come to her muder mystery dinner party, but then she died suddenly under mysterious circumstances

   Jury duty on Monday...That in itself is a joke.

   I can't use the word euouae without experiencing cramping, abdominal pain, bloating &

   A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.

   Every day above ground is a good day.

   there is love and friendship then there is declaring love and friendship on Facebook, two totally different worlds that seldom are one.

   denial is only a river in egypt

   terrifoed that these are our kids 'good ole days'

   if Draw Something is any indication of this country's intelligence..we are in BIG trouble

   wonders if homeless people go trick or treating dressed as bums

   You know your getting old when you need pen and paper to do maths.

   25% of women take mood stabilizers, yea , the other 75% are runnin around unmedicated

   I'm pretty sure the only thing guys learned from the game Hungry, Hungry Hippos is that if you slap it on the ass, it will eat your balls.....

   Money doesn't buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in my private jet

   well used x box for sale, cheap. Comes with lots of head games and 2 kids.

   would like to thank all the micro-brewerys out there for making my alcoholism appear to be no more than a fun hobby

   Just ONCE would I love to see a girl I know in a porno